[Without the Miss. Firmer now, stern, something colder in his eyes.]
I know you didn't mean to. But you've been using me. Lately, you've been seeing me more often, haven't you? I think I saw why. There was that one man you raised the ducks with, the one who said he was death, right? I haven't seen him as of late. And since he's disappeared, you've been in my bed, and...
[He grits his teeth, then rolls his shoulders back, trying to relax, pushing the emotion down, but its hard. He, as hungry as Malkuth is, has been hurting every time he meets with her, and now he can't stop the blood from pouring from that wound.]
You may be fond of me. I'm deeply fond of you, and always will be. But I'm not your...stuffed animal to hug and hold when times are tough before you rush off to be happy with another. You didn't even tell me anything. You were just happy with our situation being as it is where you don't have to...think deeper.
[Another pause, his own gaze casting away.]
...I won't blame you for it. As I said, I made mistakes, and I didn't do enough on my end. I'm not some perfect man, and I don't want you to drop everything for me. Don't even think about it. If you're happy with another, that's...I'm just happy you're happy. But I'll make it easier for you, Malkuth. I'll turn my gaze away for good. Find the one to be happy with.
[A shake of the head.]
I didn't want to make the comparison. I didn't. And as I said, I don't think you're him, and I don't think you're doing it out of cruelty. But I want you to think of...how others feel, when you're getting close to so many all at once. You must make your choices, and make it evident instead of having all to hold for yourself. That's all.
[ she flinches at the mention of ryoji and his disappearance, the happenstance of her seeking comfort where she knew she'd find it, distraction and delight... from someone she very much knew wouldn't ask if she didn't want to say anything about it in the first place.
but what should she have said, then? it would've been different if she'd been able to say what she'd like to ryoji, to have that settled, before she approached...
... would it have been different? it would have had to have been, but because it didn't come to fruition, she put it aside so she wouldn't be utterly alone. even if she's not, there's no dying that vergilius had always made it easier. warm, attentive, and... feeling more than she did, in a way. ]
... I wouldn't have dropped everything for you.
[ malkuth had, after all, been ready to put an end to their intimacy if she'd been able to speak to ryoji.
even if he'd rejected her? she doesn't know, she didn't think about it. but she does know she would have put a stop to everything for ryoji. ]
You are someone who's important to me, who I do love, you're one of the very few that-- that actually does understand me, as someone from the City, as someone who's lost so much, as someone who wants better for others as difficult as it is. Even if our flow is parallel and might never meet, Vergilius, that'll always be true. But...
... But I don't think, [ and she needs to be honest about it, soft as her voice is to keep it from cracking in her own frustration, her own stress, at herself, ] it would've mattered if you'd done more. I don't think my feelings would've been any different than they are now.
[ where he's important, and she hates that he's hurt. where she loves him, but it isn't the same depth. where he brings her so much comfort, and she wants him to care more for himself.
at least she gets why he apologized, why kaito apologized. she wants to apologize, too. but you don't apologize for your feelings, there's nothing wrong with them at all -- it only makes the other person feel bad, that they think there's something to regret in feeling how they do. but...
malkuth exhales sharply, hesitating a moment before reaching out a hand for his. it's fine if he doesn't want it, but she wants him to know anyway. ]
You won't blame me, but... at least let me apologize for hurting you. It doesn't matter if I meant to or not -- I still did, and I never wanted to. I'm not expecting anything in return.
[It hurts to say, but truth always has had its thorns he's weathered through the years. Her saying it confirms all his worries, and now he has to sit with it, even if he's realized it for a long while.]
[(Honestly, it was from the day he came to see her and she was out with another...wasn't it? His drunken pathetic state with Gebura wasn't just him in woe over not being active enough, but he was already mourning something he felt he could never reach.)]
I see....I see. You took the words from my mouth. You're someone who I...love, I do. I really do. I'm happy I met you. That I could behold you and let you smile.
[But even if she says that it wouldn't have mattered, maybe...it would have. Maybe. Maybe not. He might worry on it for a while, a dog on a bone.]
[She reaches out for his hand. He lets it be held, but its a little loose.]
You don't...have to apologize. It's alright. [He appreciates her saying it, but as he said before, all he wanted was her to be more considerate, to think about others, to draw the line where she could before anyone could fall into a pit where they couldn't get out of. It may take a while for him.] As far as things go....I'll be at your side if you're in danger, or there's something only I can do. I promise that. But I don't want to see you for a while, Malkuth.
[Because that's his go-to. That's what he did with the children. He cut themselves from their lives, and drowned in his own feelings, and for now, he doesn't want to have to navigate the open wound until he's allowed it to scar over to add to the rest.]
[ i love you a lot and that won't ever change / but please don't talk to me for the next three days / this... really hurts
a string of texts that still remain at the bottom of their conversation window, haunting despite the relative peace they've refound. that still feels uneasy to her, because it hasn't been properly talked about and she doesn't know how to talk about it. but it had been the hardest three days, and she's only glad it's over.
malkuth lets his hand go, hiding it behind her back again. okay. okay, okay. she can't even be happy right now that she's loved back, that he promises to still be there if she needs him. it's undeserved. she closes her eyes, presses down her feelings for the moment (they can be, as they always are, dealt with later; thought over and talked about if she needs, but ultimately closed like any other chapter of a book), a nods. ]
I owe you that much peace. Um, in that case... whenever, if you need me, or... want to hang out, I... will always get a drink, or dinner, or-- whatever with you. And I'll always watch your back when there's danger, even if... we aren't talking still, or anything like that.
[ because, as she knows it will be with izou, he is in that higher ring of people she looks out for. whether they need her to or not, her eyes will always, always be looking to make sure they're alright. that's her love. ]
... One more thing. It just happened more recently, so I haven't had the time to say -- but Elysium and I are doing some publicity stuff for acting. Fake dating, matching accessories and so on, but there's really nothing going on. We already drew the line. Um, you probably don't watch dramas and stuff, but you might... get advertisements anyway, and I just don't... want you to think anything of it.
[ that
much, she has to say, and there's really no. good time now. except the moment, poorly timed at the end of something far more serious about this exact issue, she knows, she's apologetic as is, but malkuth would hate even more if something about them came up and she hadn't said anything with this between them. ]
[His look softens - he can't help it. Of course, its nice for this creature of the night to have someone who still cares, as much as she does. It's nice to have someone who would met him, or hang out, or watch his back.]
[But this is why they're similar. They hunger. And to feel like its not enough, for now, is what eats at him. He can't let that hunger take over him like its done some times before. He has to remind himself of his stupid hypocrisy. How can he hunger when he doesn't deserve it?]
[The next part makes his eyes close momentarily, the wrinkles more prominent with the weight of it all - it feels very in line for her, of course, it feels expected and unexpected all the same. She drew the line, she says. He would like to believe it.]
Mm. If you say so...I won't.
[He can say that, but the heart will hurt where it wants to hurt. What a terrible thing it is.]
[ whether they were still... something, and when they're not. because she cherishes him and his happiness, and to be the reason he can't smile in that small, nearly unseen way hurts. malkuth wants to reach out, and resists. she wants to ask he reconsider, and resists. she wants to step forward, and steps back.
don't hurt another person you love, malkuth. they'll only put up with that foolishness of yours for so long. ]
... I'll see you around then, Mister Goose. [ then, softer. ] I'll miss you.
...You make it sound like I'll die. Cheer up, Miss Weiss. I'll be around.
[I'll miss you, too.]
[And so he turns, not wanting to linger, even as much a part of him does. He misses it already. He feels the warmth of her hand against her face like that one singular moment that feels like a lifetime ago.]
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no subject
[Without the Miss. Firmer now, stern, something colder in his eyes.]
I know you didn't mean to. But you've been using me. Lately, you've been seeing me more often, haven't you? I think I saw why. There was that one man you raised the ducks with, the one who said he was death, right? I haven't seen him as of late. And since he's disappeared, you've been in my bed, and...
[He grits his teeth, then rolls his shoulders back, trying to relax, pushing the emotion down, but its hard. He, as hungry as Malkuth is, has been hurting every time he meets with her, and now he can't stop the blood from pouring from that wound.]
You may be fond of me. I'm deeply fond of you, and always will be. But I'm not your...stuffed animal to hug and hold when times are tough before you rush off to be happy with another. You didn't even tell me anything. You were just happy with our situation being as it is where you don't have to...think deeper.
[Another pause, his own gaze casting away.]
...I won't blame you for it. As I said, I made mistakes, and I didn't do enough on my end. I'm not some perfect man, and I don't want you to drop everything for me. Don't even think about it. If you're happy with another, that's...I'm just happy you're happy. But I'll make it easier for you, Malkuth. I'll turn my gaze away for good. Find the one to be happy with.
[A shake of the head.]
I didn't want to make the comparison. I didn't. And as I said, I don't think you're him, and I don't think you're doing it out of cruelty. But I want you to think of...how others feel, when you're getting close to so many all at once. You must make your choices, and make it evident instead of having all to hold for yourself. That's all.
no subject
but what should she have said, then? it would've been different if she'd been able to say what she'd like to ryoji, to have that settled, before she approached...
... would it have been different? it would have had to have been, but because it didn't come to fruition, she put it aside so she wouldn't be utterly alone. even if she's not, there's no dying that vergilius had always made it easier. warm, attentive, and... feeling more than she did, in a way. ]
... I wouldn't have dropped everything for you.
[ malkuth had, after all, been ready to put an end to their intimacy if she'd been able to speak to ryoji.
even if he'd rejected her? she doesn't know, she didn't think about it. but she does know she would have put a stop to everything for ryoji. ]
You are someone who's important to me, who I do love, you're one of the very few that-- that actually does understand me, as someone from the City, as someone who's lost so much, as someone who wants better for others as difficult as it is. Even if our flow is parallel and might never meet, Vergilius, that'll always be true. But...
... But I don't think, [ and she needs to be honest about it, soft as her voice is to keep it from cracking in her own frustration, her own stress, at herself, ] it would've mattered if you'd done more. I don't think my feelings would've been any different than they are now.
[ where he's important, and she hates that he's hurt. where she loves him, but it isn't the same depth. where he brings her so much comfort, and she wants him to care more for himself.
at least she gets why he apologized, why kaito apologized. she wants to apologize, too. but you don't apologize for your feelings, there's nothing wrong with them at all -- it only makes the other person feel bad, that they think there's something to regret in feeling how they do. but...
malkuth exhales sharply, hesitating a moment before reaching out a hand for his. it's fine if he doesn't want it, but she wants him to know anyway. ]
You won't blame me, but... at least let me apologize for hurting you. It doesn't matter if I meant to or not -- I still did, and I never wanted to. I'm not expecting anything in return.
no subject
[It hurts to say, but truth always has had its thorns he's weathered through the years. Her saying it confirms all his worries, and now he has to sit with it, even if he's realized it for a long while.]
[(Honestly, it was from the day he came to see her and she was out with another...wasn't it? His drunken pathetic state with Gebura wasn't just him in woe over not being active enough, but he was already mourning something he felt he could never reach.)]
I see....I see. You took the words from my mouth. You're someone who I...love, I do. I really do. I'm happy I met you. That I could behold you and let you smile.
[But even if she says that it wouldn't have mattered, maybe...it would have. Maybe. Maybe not. He might worry on it for a while, a dog on a bone.]
[She reaches out for his hand. He lets it be held, but its a little loose.]
You don't...have to apologize. It's alright. [He appreciates her saying it, but as he said before, all he wanted was her to be more considerate, to think about others, to draw the line where she could before anyone could fall into a pit where they couldn't get out of. It may take a while for him.] As far as things go....I'll be at your side if you're in danger, or there's something only I can do. I promise that. But I don't want to see you for a while, Malkuth.
[Because that's his go-to. That's what he did with the children. He cut themselves from their lives, and drowned in his own feelings, and for now, he doesn't want to have to navigate the open wound until he's allowed it to scar over to add to the rest.]
no subject
a string of texts that still remain at the bottom of their conversation window, haunting despite the relative peace they've refound. that still feels uneasy to her, because it hasn't been properly talked about and she doesn't know how to talk about it. but it had been the hardest three days, and she's only glad it's over.
malkuth lets his hand go, hiding it behind her back again. okay. okay, okay. she can't even be happy right now that she's loved back, that he promises to still be there if she needs him. it's undeserved. she closes her eyes, presses down her feelings for the moment (they can be, as they always are, dealt with later; thought over and talked about if she needs, but ultimately closed like any other chapter of a book), a nods. ]
I owe you that much peace. Um, in that case... whenever, if you need me, or... want to hang out, I... will always get a drink, or dinner, or-- whatever with you. And I'll always watch your back when there's danger, even if... we aren't talking still, or anything like that.
[ because, as she knows it will be with izou, he is in that higher ring of people she looks out for. whether they need her to or not, her eyes will always, always be looking to make sure they're alright. that's her love. ]
... One more thing. It just happened more recently, so I haven't had the time to say -- but Elysium and I are doing some publicity stuff for acting. Fake dating, matching accessories and so on, but there's really nothing going on. We already drew the line. Um, you probably don't watch dramas and stuff, but you might... get advertisements anyway, and I just don't... want you to think anything of it.
[ that
much, she has to say, and there's really no. good time now. except the moment, poorly timed at the end of something far more serious about this exact issue, she knows, she's apologetic as is, but malkuth would hate even more if something about them came up and she hadn't said anything with this between them. ]
no subject
[His look softens - he can't help it. Of course, its nice for this creature of the night to have someone who still cares, as much as she does. It's nice to have someone who would met him, or hang out, or watch his back.]
[But this is why they're similar. They hunger. And to feel like its not enough, for now, is what eats at him. He can't let that hunger take over him like its done some times before. He has to remind himself of his stupid hypocrisy. How can he hunger when he doesn't deserve it?]
[The next part makes his eyes close momentarily, the wrinkles more prominent with the weight of it all - it feels very in line for her, of course, it feels expected and unexpected all the same. She drew the line, she says. He would like to believe it.]
Mm. If you say so...I won't.
[He can say that, but the heart will hurt where it wants to hurt. What a terrible thing it is.]
Thank you for...letting me know.
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[ whether they were still... something, and when they're not. because she cherishes him and his happiness, and to be the reason he can't smile in that small, nearly unseen way hurts. malkuth wants to reach out, and resists. she wants to ask he reconsider, and resists. she wants to step forward, and steps back.
don't hurt another person you love, malkuth. they'll only put up with that foolishness of yours for so long. ]
... I'll see you around then, Mister Goose. [ then, softer. ] I'll miss you.
no subject
[I'll miss you, too.]
[And so he turns, not wanting to linger, even as much a part of him does. He misses it already. He feels the warmth of her hand against her face like that one singular moment that feels like a lifetime ago.]
[He can't linger.]
[So he leaves.]