[ to protect them. to protect herself, maybe, from further unintended harm -- but to protect them most of all, putting herself second and bearing the brunt of anger, hatred, and pain both physical and emotional.
it has to be better this way. she'd feel a fool otherwise. even if... the doubts have been mounting, even if she perhaps acted too rashly, too panicked, too impulsively as always-- ]
It'd better this way, [ she repeats more for herself than for him, ] so let's leave it there. I'll keep it up as long as they need me to.
[ not that they need her to, or want her to, or care if she does... maybe she's being overly self-important... ]
[ he can, she rarely shies from his gaze, and malkuth stares a long moment into it before she replies. ]
You're really bad at letting things go, Mr. Gaze.
[ deserve? yes and no. they deserve the protection, but perhaps not the isolation that comes from it; they have each other, so that should be comfort enough. she thinks of yesod's brief reach out both in the form of a gift and more literal with his cloaked hand, thumb brushing her cheek, and her heart tumbles downward with her gaze.
... back to their hands, playing with vergilius's fingers. quiet, so her voice doesn't tremble with emotions the way it always wants to, always does when she convinces herself of these facts. ]
I just want them to be happy. They've had a painful time more recently than I have, back home, so I want them to relax and learn about themselves without me pushing them one way or another. I'm not trying to be overbearing. It's... not easy, and I want to be friends with them still -- they're the most important people in my life here, above anyone else and always will be -- but I... I don't know. It's hard, and I could only think of how Ishmael lashed at me when we first spoke, and then there was you...
[ and she hid entirely from him at first, gauging the kind of person he was before he called her out and she confessed so easily to her identity. ]
They deserve my protection, even if they don't want it, but that's not what you're asking, is it.
[ but they don't know better. they're defenseless. she wasn't going to do what ishmael had done and warned them off of interacting with certain others -- it isn't right, and it'd pissed her off when the other woman had done it... she wouldn't by that much of a hypocrite. just a bit of one, hands stilled and quiet as she turns the words over in her mind.
... she knows she's assumed for them, just as kaito and vergilius had assumed for her. but it's different. those aren't life threatening. netzach and yesod are doing fine even without her around. why can't vergilius accept this the way kaito and march had? because she isn't asking anything of him? compromising? because she's simply explaining it, or because she knows it's wrong too?
but it'd be too weird to simply start off again out of nowhere, wouldn't it? she's already done her time in being away. it isn't on them to approach her though; it's on her to, being the one who asked it of them -- who told them this is how it should be, logically and advisably, even if... even if...
malkuth falters a little, a shaky sigh escaping her. ]
I don't think I can last much longer myself, you know. [ it hurts. ] It's not even that I want everyone to know, it's just-- I want to be able to talk to them normally and hang out, even if they're not used to it, even if there's things I can't say or explain. It feels like I'm starving, or suffocating, or-- something like that, and not even being around you, or March, or Kaito helps.
[ the three people she feels a little less lonely with. the people who, in a way, feel like parts of a home she doesn't really have. ]
[In another universe, in another time, a poet called Virgil guides a man named Dante through the Inferno, and is declared as the avatar of human reason. He is there to lead the way, to calm Dante's fears, state logic in the face of fear and evil.]
[And he, here, despite his own self-deceptions and hypocrisy is able to take a stance on this that stands sound. He knows it too well on his own. Will he apply it to himself? Maybe not. But Malkuth can benefit from it.]
[She sighs like that, and his own heart flutters in his chest, wishing he could do more. If only he could tear her problems down like he does to Fixers at home.]
In the end...nobody can force you to do anything. But if they care for you...even in their darkness, I would not think they would wish to see you suffer in silence.
[One must move forward.]
The flow...cannot be stopped, Miss Malkuth. Dream on it for a night. The morning is usually wiser than the evening.
[His hand moves up to caress over her cheek lightly.]
But please...consider it. You're not the type of person who should be used to constantly burying her own bodies.
[ if they care for her, even in their darkness... they wouldn't want her to suffer in silence. she knows that. it's one of the mistakes they'd made in the past -- how many things could have been avoided in the first place if someone had caught the arm of another, if they'd stopped and talked and listened and understood in the way that only those who suffer can?
his gentle hand. his light touch. malkuth leans into it, miserable with her heart thudding hard in her chest, and... she knows he's right. kaito was right, march was right. isn't she over wanting to be right, to stay right? isn't it okay to be wrong? didn't she learn that the hard way, again and again and again, taking things on when she really shouldn't have? suffering behind smiles?
dream on it for a night, he says. the morning is usually wiser than the evening. a truth if there ever was one, considering the last evening they spent together. ]
... I'll consider it. Having three people tell me pretty much the same thing really makes it seem like I'm not doing right by those two at all.
[ her hand follows his after a moment, keeping it pressed to her cheek, and she sighs a little softer this time. ]
I know at least one of them dislikes it. I'm sure it'll be a great comfort to him for me to apologize and own up, if that's what I decide on. And... I'll apologize to Kaito and March too, in that case. I promise.
Well, see, you're already looking on the bright side of things.
[That's very much like her. Even though he now knows the books, the full story - even if he has that image of her begging, wanting, yearning for more.]
[Her wanting to see the colors of the world...]
[How very, very much like her.]
[His hand cradles over her face.]
...You have a heart that wants the best of the world, Miss Malkuth. I hope it works out for you in return.
[Please do NOT look at the soft heart behind the curtain, thank you!]
[The kiss is a little unexpected, and a light splash of color appears in his ears.]
...My dreams may not be best for everyone else. [He murmurs - she's always so soft. It feels unbelievable she shares it so willingly with him.] Some days it feels like I don't know what exactly I want.
And you're not even gonna tell me without being asked? Phooey.
[ but her wider grin is bitten back, just teasing him with words as her fingers do much the same. they move from his earring down his neck, fingertips tracing the taunt lines as if following a map. despite this, though, she's quieter when she admits the opposite of her roaming hand. ]
I don't want a lot right now. I'm pretty tired, actually. [ being emotional does that to you. ] But I'd like to be held by someone warm, lulled to sleep by their voice. If you can manage that.
[He likes being asked because he's never the type to give it, anyways. His book is under lock and key.]
[The tease is noted, and the touch does make him shiver, eyelids fluttering, but he agrees with her wishes. He didn't come here for a heated moment, but a quiet one.]
And you think this old guide can be someone warm? I'll do my best.
[His hands shift, pulling her into his lap, as easy as anything.]
You're an odd one for asking this of a Color. Heh.
[ malkuth lets herself be pulled, leaning against him with a sigh. he does, does he? she'll remember that, then; there's sweet ways to ask someone what they like or want too. ]
I'm an odd one in general, aren't I? You're not a Color right now anyway. You're just Vergilius.
[ and she's just malkuth, stretching a bit as she gets comfortable. ]
What do you want? Since you like to be asked. I'm curious now.
The Association might not be here, but I still carry that grade on my back...but I do see your point. LILITH could care less.
[Which is sort of a relief in its own unique way. They're allowed to be themselves at their cores, without supposed roles.]
[She settles against him, and he nestles his head into the crook of her shoulder and neck for a moment. That is a good question. Philosophical, almost.]
I'll clarify with another question in turn. Right now? Or generally?
[A slow exhale against her, his arms tightening their embrace of her just a smidge.]
[What...does he want? His heart beats furtively, wishing he never desired to begin with. What a weakness he has.]
I want...to stay with you until we both fall asleep. [Another sigh.] I want...to feel like you're happy. With me. To know I made you feel that way. It's...worth more than anything.
[She has a point. She's a forceful sort - she would make it obvious if she couldn't stand him.]
[Her attempts at pushing him back are noted. He shifts back, letting gravity take over as he falls onto the bed with her in tow. A little bit of an adjustment to get them both comfortable, but he's keeping her close.]
I'm...happy, to hear that. Really am.
[He thinks they both need it, here. He shouldn't have this. But this is about her, all about her.]
[He kisses her very lightly against the lips. His words are hoarse, pulling from his pained core to murmur:]
I'll make sure this night is one to give...your soul some relief.
[ he kisses her lightly and she finds her heart light as well, fluttering like her eyelids as she tries to keep them shut. she's tired. she's tired. if she tells herself so enough times, she'll be tired again.
well. malkuth'll lay against him, trying to slow her heart and keep the grin that betrays her sudden wakefulness off her lips. what relief is there to be found when laying next to a bear trap? ]
Save some for yourself too, Vergilius. You need to relax just like I do.
[He does mean it with some vague amusement, though. Him, the always-weary.]
[His own eyes are fluttering closed, but he can feel the brief shift in the tension of her body. Not a bad tension, he thinks, and he pulls one eye open to look right at her.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Which he understands. He understands it to its core.]
How long...do you think you can avoid it?
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[ to protect them. to protect herself, maybe, from further unintended harm -- but to protect them most of all, putting herself second and bearing the brunt of anger, hatred, and pain both physical and emotional.
it has to be better this way. she'd feel a fool otherwise. even if... the doubts have been mounting, even if she perhaps acted too rashly, too panicked, too impulsively as always-- ]
It'd better this way, [ she repeats more for herself than for him, ] so let's leave it there. I'll keep it up as long as they need me to.
[ not that they need her to, or want her to, or care if she does... maybe she's being overly self-important... ]
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[He leans forward, trying to catch her eyes with his own.]
Is this what they deserve?
[Hypocritical of him to ask, but...its worth asking.]
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You're really bad at letting things go, Mr. Gaze.
[ deserve? yes and no. they deserve the protection, but perhaps not the isolation that comes from it; they have each other, so that should be comfort enough. she thinks of yesod's brief reach out both in the form of a gift and more literal with his cloaked hand, thumb brushing her cheek, and her heart tumbles downward with her gaze.
... back to their hands, playing with vergilius's fingers. quiet, so her voice doesn't tremble with emotions the way it always wants to, always does when she convinces herself of these facts. ]
I just want them to be happy. They've had a painful time more recently than I have, back home, so I want them to relax and learn about themselves without me pushing them one way or another. I'm not trying to be overbearing. It's... not easy, and I want to be friends with them still -- they're the most important people in my life here, above anyone else and always will be -- but I... I don't know. It's hard, and I could only think of how Ishmael lashed at me when we first spoke, and then there was you...
[ and she hid entirely from him at first, gauging the kind of person he was before he called her out and she confessed so easily to her identity. ]
They deserve my protection, even if they don't want it, but that's not what you're asking, is it.
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[Her explanation hangs in his head, his eyes darkening. The more and more she speaks...]
[Is this what it sounds like....to others?]
[Is this what my Office heard, when I told them that I could never go talk to the children again? That they shouldn't see me?]
No. It isn't.
[It's a pain that constricts him - his own scarred hands grasp onto hers, keeping them still.]
Why...are you making decisions on their behalf? Let them decide what to do. It will hurt more to...keep it under wraps, I think.
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... she knows she's assumed for them, just as kaito and vergilius had assumed for her. but it's different. those aren't life threatening. netzach and yesod are doing fine even without her around. why can't vergilius accept this the way kaito and march had? because she isn't asking anything of him? compromising? because she's simply explaining it, or because she knows it's wrong too?
but it'd be too weird to simply start off again out of nowhere, wouldn't it? she's already done her time in being away. it isn't on them to approach her though; it's on her to, being the one who asked it of them -- who told them this is how it should be, logically and advisably, even if... even if...
malkuth falters a little, a shaky sigh escaping her. ]
I don't think I can last much longer myself, you know. [ it hurts. ] It's not even that I want everyone to know, it's just-- I want to be able to talk to them normally and hang out, even if they're not used to it, even if there's things I can't say or explain. It feels like I'm starving, or suffocating, or-- something like that, and not even being around you, or March, or Kaito helps.
[ the three people she feels a little less lonely with. the people who, in a way, feel like parts of a home she doesn't really have. ]
Not anymore, anyway.
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[And he, here, despite his own self-deceptions and hypocrisy is able to take a stance on this that stands sound. He knows it too well on his own. Will he apply it to himself? Maybe not. But Malkuth can benefit from it.]
[She sighs like that, and his own heart flutters in his chest, wishing he could do more. If only he could tear her problems down like he does to Fixers at home.]
In the end...nobody can force you to do anything. But if they care for you...even in their darkness, I would not think they would wish to see you suffer in silence.
[One must move forward.]
The flow...cannot be stopped, Miss Malkuth. Dream on it for a night. The morning is usually wiser than the evening.
[His hand moves up to caress over her cheek lightly.]
But please...consider it. You're not the type of person who should be used to constantly burying her own bodies.
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his gentle hand. his light touch. malkuth leans into it, miserable with her heart thudding hard in her chest, and... she knows he's right. kaito was right, march was right. isn't she over wanting to be right, to stay right? isn't it okay to be wrong? didn't she learn that the hard way, again and again and again, taking things on when she really shouldn't have? suffering behind smiles?
dream on it for a night, he says. the morning is usually wiser than the evening. a truth if there ever was one, considering the last evening they spent together. ]
... I'll consider it. Having three people tell me pretty much the same thing really makes it seem like I'm not doing right by those two at all.
[ her hand follows his after a moment, keeping it pressed to her cheek, and she sighs a little softer this time. ]
I know at least one of them dislikes it. I'm sure it'll be a great comfort to him for me to apologize and own up, if that's what I decide on. And... I'll apologize to Kaito and March too, in that case. I promise.
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[That's very much like her. Even though he now knows the books, the full story - even if he has that image of her begging, wanting, yearning for more.]
[Her wanting to see the colors of the world...]
[How very, very much like her.]
[His hand cradles over her face.]
...You have a heart that wants the best of the world, Miss Malkuth. I hope it works out for you in return.
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[ and she'd like to give him some of that best, a thank you beyond words, so she smiles a little cheekily.
shifts onto her knees to better hold herself steady as she pecks his lips. ]
So I hope what you want works out for you, too. Whatever it is, whenever you want it.
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[Please do NOT look at the soft heart behind the curtain, thank you!]
[The kiss is a little unexpected, and a light splash of color appears in his ears.]
...My dreams may not be best for everyone else. [He murmurs - she's always so soft. It feels unbelievable she shares it so willingly with him.] Some days it feels like I don't know what exactly I want.
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And others?
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Some days...its crystal clear. Like...right now.
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[ but her wider grin is bitten back, just teasing him with words as her fingers do much the same. they move from his earring down his neck, fingertips tracing the taunt lines as if following a map. despite this, though, she's quieter when she admits the opposite of her roaming hand. ]
I don't want a lot right now. I'm pretty tired, actually. [ being emotional does that to you. ] But I'd like to be held by someone warm, lulled to sleep by their voice. If you can manage that.
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[He says, quietly.]
[He likes being asked because he's never the type to give it, anyways. His book is under lock and key.]
[The tease is noted, and the touch does make him shiver, eyelids fluttering, but he agrees with her wishes. He didn't come here for a heated moment, but a quiet one.]
And you think this old guide can be someone warm? I'll do my best.
[His hands shift, pulling her into his lap, as easy as anything.]
You're an odd one for asking this of a Color. Heh.
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I'm an odd one in general, aren't I? You're not a Color right now anyway. You're just Vergilius.
[ and she's just malkuth, stretching a bit as she gets comfortable. ]
What do you want? Since you like to be asked. I'm curious now.
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[Which is sort of a relief in its own unique way. They're allowed to be themselves at their cores, without supposed roles.]
[She settles against him, and he nestles his head into the crook of her shoulder and neck for a moment. That is a good question. Philosophical, almost.]
I'll clarify with another question in turn. Right now? Or generally?
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Right now. Generally can come later.
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[A slow exhale against her, his arms tightening their embrace of her just a smidge.]
[What...does he want? His heart beats furtively, wishing he never desired to begin with. What a weakness he has.]
I want...to stay with you until we both fall asleep. [Another sigh.] I want...to feel like you're happy. With me. To know I made you feel that way. It's...worth more than anything.
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[ she can grant half of it though, the tangible half, pushing more against his chest... futilely... to make him lay down. ]
Take it at face value. I like being around you, and I'm happy to have your company. You can stay the night, if you'd like.
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[Her attempts at pushing him back are noted. He shifts back, letting gravity take over as he falls onto the bed with her in tow. A little bit of an adjustment to get them both comfortable, but he's keeping her close.]
I'm...happy, to hear that. Really am.
[He thinks they both need it, here. He shouldn't have this. But this is about her, all about her.]
[He kisses her very lightly against the lips. His words are hoarse, pulling from his pained core to murmur:]
I'll make sure this night is one to give...your soul some relief.
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well. malkuth'll lay against him, trying to slow her heart and keep the grin that betrays her sudden wakefulness off her lips. what relief is there to be found when laying next to a bear trap? ]
Save some for yourself too, Vergilius. You need to relax just like I do.
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[He does mean it with some vague amusement, though. Him, the always-weary.]
[His own eyes are fluttering closed, but he can feel the brief shift in the tension of her body. Not a bad tension, he thinks, and he pulls one eye open to look right at her.]
But I'll do my best. Will you do your best...?
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[ malkuth can relax... in theory. but she's restless and buzzing as a bee in most cases, though she's trying not to fidget as she gets comfortable. ]
Don't mind me. It takes a bit for me to get to sleep no matter how tired I am, Vergilius.
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[Even if she fidgets, he's remaining firm in his embrace, seemingly nonplussed.]
...You said you wanted me to use my voice, to help. Would you want to hear poetry? A story?
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