[ Maybe you should learn from March's mistake and not say sweet and earnest things while staring up into their face, because that's where the trouble starts! Malkuth!! ]
Yeah, I think... I was scared, too. Not of him [ NOT THE MAN WHO KILLS PEOPLE ] but the way I didn't even know what my own feelings were doing. But I'm okay with it, it's just figuring out the rest.
Like, if someone had to like me, I'm glad it's someone I already cared about. But it's like... thinking about him as something different feels sort of exhausting.
[ SHE ONLY TOUCHED HIS FACE TO HEAL HIM THAT'S DIFFERENT ]
It comes with way more questions. [ With a little huff. ]
Like, if things don't work out, does it ruin the friendship that took so long in the first place? Or what if he likes the me of now, but then eventually I get my memories back and the me of then was totally different and things aren't the same anymore? Do I like him or do I just not like the way it feels when he's upset?
For the second one, at least, do you really think that matters to Izou? You're you, Marmar. And... he's been betrayed before too, at least from what I got, so there's no way he'd want that to cause the same pain on someone he cares about.
Even if you get your memories back, does that shove out the ones you make now?
I know how I feel about it, but I don't know how anyone else would... is more the point. At the very least, I'd want anyone who liked me to know what they might be getting into first.
I guess the biggest problem is that I'm not sure how I feel, still.
[ and again, would izou care... he'd still like her, is the point -- but that is the bigger problem. ]
... Well, at least I can empathize with you there. [ feelings are hard. ] How did you feel thinking he had a crush on me? Like you could root for him if he wanted to go for it, or... that you couldn't?
I mean, in the end I'm always going to support whoever you like, and if that was Kaito, sure, I've got your back, and if that was Mr. Vergilius, I... well, everyone's got their preferred type for attractiveness and his personality's not bad when he's not putting himself down every other sentence--
[ Wait, she's getting sidetracked. ]
If it was Izou, I...
[ Saying she couldn't doesn't seem right. She thinks she could, if that really was how it wound up shaking out, but... ]
... I think I would have felt a little lonely, maybe...
[ ... She sounds so distressed by this realization. ]
MOSTLY GOT HER FEELINGS ON LOCK, SORT OF, not really but she'll cross those bridges when she comes to them. ]
I'm not talking about me having a thing for him -- which I don't, let me make that clear -- it's the other way around. If Izou treated someone else the way he does you... that's what you should be thinking about.
[ She'd felt it, briefly. When she'd thought that Izou had trusted Malkuth with something he'd been deliberately keeping from March, and she'd felt that sharpness in her chest, even though it made no logical sense.
Izou's someone who deserves more friends. She still believes that. And if he wanted to lead other friends by the wrist or back them against walls for one reason or another or give them that little lopsided smile when he was amused or pluck petals from their hair or teach them childhood folk songs or--
How much of that was Izou being friendly and how much of that was because it was her? And if that really happened, to anyone else...
The most Izou and I do is get drinks together. He's really sweet when he's aiming to cheer me up, and yeah, we've talked about some heavy stuff... just because we've "grown up" the same, in a way. I like to think we're friends. But he hasn't put his hands on me, and I don't think he would unless it's in a fight.
[ maybe they both keep a careful distance from each other, in hindsight. the way that mirrored surfaces are forever parallel. how two wary strays might interact, tolerating someone in their territory without being anything more than allies. malkuth doesn't feel the need to press it anyway, and izou... feels like he'd probably sooner clap her on the back than against a wall. ]
[ I believe in Malkuth getting pinned to a wall by someone one day, she deserves it. ]
You don't have to reassure me or anything; I know if you felt some kind of way about it, you'd tell me.
[ And March murmurs this quietly, but it's true. Beyond any of this, she and Malkuth have formed a strong bond of trust and mutual adoration, and she turns to wrap her arms around her friend. ]
And if I understood my own feelings better, I'd tell you too. I'm just trying to get through them right now. [ How she, personally, feels about Izou. What she wants to risk and what she doesn't. ]
[ ... she would, even if it might take some time. she wouldn't leave it too long. but just like izou, malkuth doesn't want her friend to be upset -- she'd told sooyoung once she wasn't the type to back down if someone else liked the person she did (mostly because, malkuth knows, it doesn't matter so long as she can get her feelings across), but if march was her opposite...
maybe she would be a little weak and glance away. this is nothing she'll confess to, pressing her cheek against march's head and tucking her friend more into her shoulder. ]
Well, take it step by step. Write out a list if it helps. And you're welcome to chat my ear off about everything under the sun about it, since Wings know you've heard more than enough from me -- no matter how the pieces fall, the fact you two care for each other won't change.
Yeah. [ It's said on the heels of a tired exhalation, but it's true agreement. Maybe she does need to write a list. And it's even more true that regardless of what conclusion she comes to, how much she cares for Izou isn't going to change. His statement that he just liked being around her had rung true, as well.
March is quiet for a few more seconds, feeling at least a little better with some kind of game plan in mind. ]
How're you feeling about things, by the way? Any changes since then?
[ ... how's she even talk about this... it feels a little embarrassing. ]
To be honest... I haven't been putting a lot of thought to it? I'm sort of just doing things one at a time, like focusing on Yesod and Netzach first.
[ she's a little apologetic, sure. but-- ]
I'm kinda relieved it hasn't come up again. Um, I guess I've gotten closer with Vergilius, and I'm really touched that he says he won't look away from me... He put me to sleep with a poem recently. Kaito's keeping busy as ever too, but I don't think he's avoiding me any either. [ as if her busy ass would clock it if he dared. ] Things are... okay. I just don't really know what I'm doing, even now.
No, I'm glad too. But I think Elijah had the right idea about chasing after the unattainable.
[ so much easier just to like someone................ and not be liked back............. is her not doing anything explicitly romantic, or simply treating them as she always does, taking their feelings and patience for granted? or is it alright? maybe she is just lonely and taking it out on people willing to fill her.
............... ]
Do you think I should try kissing Kaito too? I kinda, um, panicked when he tried kissing me the second time, even though I was really interested in it after he did it to my hands, I think it would answer some of my questions.
[ Well, Malkuth just needs time. And to understand herself, given that time and these new opportunities. But at the question, March blinks. ]
I... guess kissing him would answer some questions, yeah, but I also think you should only kiss someone if you feel like you want to. You know, for the sake of kissing them. [ Which she thinks she gets? Hopefully? ]
[ they can agree to disagree. it has its pros and cons. march won't ever understand this and malkuth hopes she never does. be reciprocated forever, girl. ]
I don't exactly look at someone and go "Oh, I wish I could kiss them," Marmar. It's... more of a mood thing. I was really wishing he would kiss me anywhere else when he healed my hands like that, [ sorry you're getting this knowledge march, ] but... I think I need to approach it versus him doing it. You know?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yeah, I think... I was scared, too. Not of him [ NOT THE MAN WHO KILLS PEOPLE ] but the way I didn't even know what my own feelings were doing. But I'm okay with it, it's just figuring out the rest.
Like, if someone had to like me, I'm glad it's someone I already cared about. But it's like... thinking about him as something different feels sort of exhausting.
no subject
What's exhausting about it?
[ sincerely curious. terrifying she'd get, given... her own issues... but exhausting's new. ]
no subject
It comes with way more questions. [ With a little huff. ]
Like, if things don't work out, does it ruin the friendship that took so long in the first place? Or what if he likes the me of now, but then eventually I get my memories back and the me of then was totally different and things aren't the same anymore? Do I like him or do I just not like the way it feels when he's upset?
no subject
For the second one, at least, do you really think that matters to Izou? You're you, Marmar. And... he's been betrayed before too, at least from what I got, so there's no way he'd want that to cause the same pain on someone he cares about.
Even if you get your memories back, does that shove out the ones you make now?
no subject
I guess the biggest problem is that I'm not sure how I feel, still.
no subject
... Well, at least I can empathize with you there. [ feelings are hard. ] How did you feel thinking he had a crush on me? Like you could root for him if he wanted to go for it, or... that you couldn't?
no subject
[ Wait, she's getting sidetracked. ]
If it was Izou, I...
[ Saying she couldn't doesn't seem right. She thinks she could, if that really was how it wound up shaking out, but... ]
... I think I would have felt a little lonely, maybe...
[ ... She sounds so distressed by this realization. ]
no subject
MOSTLY GOT HER FEELINGS ON LOCK, SORT OF, not really but she'll cross those bridges when she comes to them. ]
I'm not talking about me having a thing for him -- which I don't, let me make that clear -- it's the other way around. If Izou treated someone else the way he does you... that's what you should be thinking about.
no subject
Izou's someone who deserves more friends. She still believes that. And if he wanted to lead other friends by the wrist or back them against walls for one reason or another or give them that little lopsided smile when he was amused or pluck petals from their hair or teach them childhood folk songs or--
How much of that was Izou being friendly and how much of that was because it was her? And if that really happened, to anyone else...
March closes her eyes, looking a little pained. ]
... My head hurts.
no subject
[ she rubs march's back, apologetic. ]
The most Izou and I do is get drinks together. He's really sweet when he's aiming to cheer me up, and yeah, we've talked about some heavy stuff... just because we've "grown up" the same, in a way. I like to think we're friends. But he hasn't put his hands on me, and I don't think he would unless it's in a fight.
[ maybe they both keep a careful distance from each other, in hindsight. the way that mirrored surfaces are forever parallel. how two wary strays might interact, tolerating someone in their territory without being anything more than allies. malkuth doesn't feel the need to press it anyway, and izou... feels like he'd probably sooner clap her on the back than against a wall. ]
no subject
You don't have to reassure me or anything; I know if you felt some kind of way about it, you'd tell me.
[ And March murmurs this quietly, but it's true. Beyond any of this, she and Malkuth have formed a strong bond of trust and mutual adoration, and she turns to wrap her arms around her friend. ]
And if I understood my own feelings better, I'd tell you too. I'm just trying to get through them right now. [ How she, personally, feels about Izou. What she wants to risk and what she doesn't. ]
no subject
maybe she would be a little weak and glance away. this is nothing she'll confess to, pressing her cheek against march's head and tucking her friend more into her shoulder. ]
Well, take it step by step. Write out a list if it helps. And you're welcome to chat my ear off about everything under the sun about it, since Wings know you've heard more than enough from me -- no matter how the pieces fall, the fact you two care for each other won't change.
no subject
March is quiet for a few more seconds, feeling at least a little better with some kind of game plan in mind. ]
How're you feeling about things, by the way? Any changes since then?
no subject
To be honest... I haven't been putting a lot of thought to it? I'm sort of just doing things one at a time, like focusing on Yesod and Netzach first.
[ she's a little apologetic, sure. but-- ]
I'm kinda relieved it hasn't come up again. Um, I guess I've gotten closer with Vergilius, and I'm really touched that he says he won't look away from me... He put me to sleep with a poem recently. Kaito's keeping busy as ever too, but I don't think he's avoiding me any either. [ as if her busy ass would clock it if he dared. ] Things are... okay. I just don't really know what I'm doing, even now.
no subject
[ And yet here they are. So confident at friendship, so... ... well. It's fine. ]
But it's not like you don't have your hands full already... one thing at a time, right?
[ Same principle, and she'd just said it herself. ]
no subject
[ so much easier just to like someone................ and not be liked back............. is her not doing anything explicitly romantic, or simply treating them as she always does, taking their feelings and patience for granted? or is it alright? maybe she is just lonely and taking it out on people willing to fill her.
............... ]
Do you think I should try kissing Kaito too? I kinda, um, panicked when he tried kissing me the second time, even though I was really interested in it after he did it to my hands, I think it would answer some of my questions.
no subject
[ Well, Malkuth just needs time. And to understand herself, given that time and these new opportunities. But at the question, March blinks. ]
I... guess kissing him would answer some questions, yeah, but I also think you should only kiss someone if you feel like you want to. You know, for the sake of kissing them. [ Which she thinks she gets? Hopefully? ]
no subject
I don't exactly look at someone and go "Oh, I wish I could kiss them," Marmar. It's... more of a mood thing. I was really wishing he would kiss me anywhere else when he healed my hands like that, [ sorry you're getting this knowledge march, ] but... I think I need to approach it versus him doing it. You know?
no subject
[ She's doing her best here. ]
I think if that's what you need to do, then go for it. And I'll be here to hear you out if you need it, without almost breaking your door.
[ Probably. No promises. ]
no subject
I'm really sorry about that, okay? Though now I wonder how strong these doors are.
no subject
no subject
[ is this a joke ]
no subject
[ staring at her to make sure it's a joke ]
no subject
[ maybe it isn't one...? ]
no subject