[That IS a huge jump. The distraction of her fingers interlocking with his aren't enough to make him glance down at her with eyebrows furrowed. The "Light"....]
[What a mysterious thing. It makes him think of Mang.]
[A "Light" to make someone inhuman back into this flesh and blood body...]
Can I ask...how you died as a robot? Did the Head find out about it?
[ and it's fresher for some. at least she's had some time. some months. but nothing in this story is nice, nothing is even bittersweet, and malkuth isn't interested in sugarcoating it either. ]
If it'd gone without a hitch, then there wouldn't have been any dark days at all -- the plan was to release all of the Light we'd stored up over the... the ten years Ayin and everyone else had been working so hard for, that everyone had died for, and cure the sickness that infected the City. That was Carmen's ideal, and the thing we strove to see completed by the end of it all -- even if, especially since, she was no longer with us.
... Angela's kind of like us. She wasn't ever human, technically, but she has human memories and desires. She's about as human as it gets -- and she wanted to live as one, since she wasn't happy with being asked to do so much and her only reward be eternal sleep. So we had a disagreement, and that disagreement ended with myself and some others being knocked aside and what Light was left over ended up shooting across the City, the bulk of it lost to Angela herself.
[ a sigh. tired, but at least it's coming to the end of that book. ]
She struck us a deal. We'd go to sleep for a little bit, and when she needed us we'd wake again in new forms -- in exchange for our help in collecting the Light that hadn't fully rooted in the people of the City, our Guests, we would be given a second shot to see our goal realized. And so we were willingly, unwillingly, put to slumber, and that's that. The end of my second life, the beginning of my third -- my current life.
[She's at the heart of it, isn't she. The princess sitting in the midst of the dark forest of thorns.]
[This is a lot to think about - its an explanation that twists up and down his spine in an uncertain way. This is a book that feels close for comfort, yet so so far away. This poet, with his bloodied hands, can he understand the depths of those atrocities? To harvest people? Draw them in, pull the Light from them?]
[He lets out a low noise, light simmering in his eyes, but he's not shifting from where he is, like he's her colossus to hold, this undying statue.]
A disagreement...and you pulled the whole City into it, it seems.
I don't blame Ishmael for hating me so much. I really deserve it for all that's happened -- and I'd rather it be me than either of them. I'm used to being hated.
[ it hurts, of course. it always will. but at least she's used to it -- yesod is too, but she still wants to protect him from it. he shouldn't be hated for something he's not (yet) part of, able to hide it as well as any scar but effected nonetheless.
and netzach... might be apathetic to it all, but only because that heart of his is so gentle and encompassing. she knows this about them. she knows how warm they are, and how much they look out for others, and
it's better, like this. so they can be friends with others from their city without worry. vergilius's hand is tight in hers. ]
... So, that's pretty much all of the important events of my books. It's fine if you want to cast your gaze elsewhere -- I'll miss it, but I won't hold it against you.
[Ah, those could be words right from his mouth. I really deserve it for all that's happened.]
[Her amount of sin, he realizes, is a weight like no other. No wonder she had told him all that time ago those words, which he murmurs against her.]
"The only thing that was on my mind was making sure I actually died this time. But now I think that's just a form of running away. It's more painful to live with what you've done than to shrug it off like that."
[And even after this, after hearing all that, the long storied histories of his woman, front to back...even then, there's still that voice at the back of his mind saying "I'm worse."]
[He shakes his head - sure, it isn't as if he's happy to read these tomes, with bloodied pages, but at the same time, how can he judge? The pot and the kettle, sitting together. Roland, too, had thousands of souls to answer for. And all he could think was if he could ever be happy again.]
[He presses a light dusting of a kiss against her forehead.]
....You're....very special to me, Malkuth. More than you may know. I am...indebted to you. Truly. [A sigh.] This gaze shall keep you...for as long as this old guide lives.
[ she shudders. she can't help it, the words she'd spoken so idly long ago to him, a careful and contextless admission of guilt she held up before him, remembered and set before her now. the arm still around her, the body against hers, the hand locked in place... the brush of a kiss, words sweet and warm.
malkuth feels the sting of tears, not unlike when she'd been so fraught with frustration at herself for not being strong enough to resist the pull of the Abnormality's desire for flesh, and lets out a shaky exhale as she eases herself down again. that's nice. that's good. she's special to someone, for some reason, and though she doesn't agree nor know the reason for the debt... that is nice too, in its own way.
quiet, but sincere: ]
Thank you, Vergilius. I really appreciate it. I know it wasn't a wonderful tale, but thank you for listening, for reading anyway. There's nothing more I'm hiding from you now.
[ a warmth for her, and her alone. malkuth is aware of her breathing, the way someone realizes if they've stopped and hurry to start the natural cycle anew, and laughs a little. happy, without cause, simply content as she nuzzles into him. ]
I won't, don't worry. I make more people smile than I do scowl... even if your face is always a mix of both.
[ a little tease, weight off her chest and shoulders. ]
Some of the kinder moments I remember in my first life revolved around the people I knew in that research group. We had vastly different backgrounds -- there was even an aristocrat who got caught up in all of it -- but we all were working towards the same future, one we all saw and wanted to share... with each other, with the City as a whole. It might not have been a perfect group, and I'm certain we weren't always friends, but...
... I feel like our time in the Library together has let us reclaim a bit of that feeling. As miserable as it makes everyone else outside, as much as it's hurt those in the future... it really has been the only time I've been able to interact with everyone in a different way, a little closer to how things might have been back then.
[ so she's thankful for it, even as it turns others against her, even as it hurts. for the city it is a plague, a nightmare, a star unforgettable and terrifying, something to be purged by the highest they can send...
... it is warm and a sanctuary, it is a second chance in so many ways, it is something that, to her, is worth putting her own life and so many more on the line for. that is, unfortunately, something that will not change; it is worth it because they intend for it to be worth it, and they won't forget a name along the way. ]
[The good comes with the bad. Most of the time, anyways.]
[For him, he still feels like the flow that he follows will never truly have any happiness for him. And he has accepted that long ago. His loved ones of the past are gone. Charon exists, yes, but is there a guarantee that Lapis will ever return? That Garnet will walk by his side?]
[There may be no second chances for them.]
[His own gaze grows a little distant as he strokes over hee shoulder.]
You're lucky. You are able to hold them in your hands after...everything. I understand why you'd want to keep that close.
... And why I have to keep them at a distance now, for their sake.
[ something they never asked her to do, perhaps never would want her to do -- she knows yesod doesn't like it, might feel it a repetition of the past... but it's necessary. ]
[ it can't be a firm yes or no. malkuth's aware of her own pain. it's just that... she can swallow it down, hypocrite that she is. for how long? she doesn't know. but it's not like losing teeth or fingernails. it's not painful.
... it's a different sort of painful, but fundamentally it isn't painful. her thumb runs against his hand, idle. ]
Marmar and Kaito already made me agree that I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid them or anything, so... I do interact with them every now and then. About as often as I did in my second life, I guess. So they're used to it anyway.
[ even if. she's no longer used to it, nor does she want to be. ]
[ to protect them. to protect herself, maybe, from further unintended harm -- but to protect them most of all, putting herself second and bearing the brunt of anger, hatred, and pain both physical and emotional.
it has to be better this way. she'd feel a fool otherwise. even if... the doubts have been mounting, even if she perhaps acted too rashly, too panicked, too impulsively as always-- ]
It'd better this way, [ she repeats more for herself than for him, ] so let's leave it there. I'll keep it up as long as they need me to.
[ not that they need her to, or want her to, or care if she does... maybe she's being overly self-important... ]
[ he can, she rarely shies from his gaze, and malkuth stares a long moment into it before she replies. ]
You're really bad at letting things go, Mr. Gaze.
[ deserve? yes and no. they deserve the protection, but perhaps not the isolation that comes from it; they have each other, so that should be comfort enough. she thinks of yesod's brief reach out both in the form of a gift and more literal with his cloaked hand, thumb brushing her cheek, and her heart tumbles downward with her gaze.
... back to their hands, playing with vergilius's fingers. quiet, so her voice doesn't tremble with emotions the way it always wants to, always does when she convinces herself of these facts. ]
I just want them to be happy. They've had a painful time more recently than I have, back home, so I want them to relax and learn about themselves without me pushing them one way or another. I'm not trying to be overbearing. It's... not easy, and I want to be friends with them still -- they're the most important people in my life here, above anyone else and always will be -- but I... I don't know. It's hard, and I could only think of how Ishmael lashed at me when we first spoke, and then there was you...
[ and she hid entirely from him at first, gauging the kind of person he was before he called her out and she confessed so easily to her identity. ]
They deserve my protection, even if they don't want it, but that's not what you're asking, is it.
[ but they don't know better. they're defenseless. she wasn't going to do what ishmael had done and warned them off of interacting with certain others -- it isn't right, and it'd pissed her off when the other woman had done it... she wouldn't by that much of a hypocrite. just a bit of one, hands stilled and quiet as she turns the words over in her mind.
... she knows she's assumed for them, just as kaito and vergilius had assumed for her. but it's different. those aren't life threatening. netzach and yesod are doing fine even without her around. why can't vergilius accept this the way kaito and march had? because she isn't asking anything of him? compromising? because she's simply explaining it, or because she knows it's wrong too?
but it'd be too weird to simply start off again out of nowhere, wouldn't it? she's already done her time in being away. it isn't on them to approach her though; it's on her to, being the one who asked it of them -- who told them this is how it should be, logically and advisably, even if... even if...
malkuth falters a little, a shaky sigh escaping her. ]
I don't think I can last much longer myself, you know. [ it hurts. ] It's not even that I want everyone to know, it's just-- I want to be able to talk to them normally and hang out, even if they're not used to it, even if there's things I can't say or explain. It feels like I'm starving, or suffocating, or-- something like that, and not even being around you, or March, or Kaito helps.
[ the three people she feels a little less lonely with. the people who, in a way, feel like parts of a home she doesn't really have. ]
[In another universe, in another time, a poet called Virgil guides a man named Dante through the Inferno, and is declared as the avatar of human reason. He is there to lead the way, to calm Dante's fears, state logic in the face of fear and evil.]
[And he, here, despite his own self-deceptions and hypocrisy is able to take a stance on this that stands sound. He knows it too well on his own. Will he apply it to himself? Maybe not. But Malkuth can benefit from it.]
[She sighs like that, and his own heart flutters in his chest, wishing he could do more. If only he could tear her problems down like he does to Fixers at home.]
In the end...nobody can force you to do anything. But if they care for you...even in their darkness, I would not think they would wish to see you suffer in silence.
[One must move forward.]
The flow...cannot be stopped, Miss Malkuth. Dream on it for a night. The morning is usually wiser than the evening.
[His hand moves up to caress over her cheek lightly.]
But please...consider it. You're not the type of person who should be used to constantly burying her own bodies.
[ if they care for her, even in their darkness... they wouldn't want her to suffer in silence. she knows that. it's one of the mistakes they'd made in the past -- how many things could have been avoided in the first place if someone had caught the arm of another, if they'd stopped and talked and listened and understood in the way that only those who suffer can?
his gentle hand. his light touch. malkuth leans into it, miserable with her heart thudding hard in her chest, and... she knows he's right. kaito was right, march was right. isn't she over wanting to be right, to stay right? isn't it okay to be wrong? didn't she learn that the hard way, again and again and again, taking things on when she really shouldn't have? suffering behind smiles?
dream on it for a night, he says. the morning is usually wiser than the evening. a truth if there ever was one, considering the last evening they spent together. ]
... I'll consider it. Having three people tell me pretty much the same thing really makes it seem like I'm not doing right by those two at all.
[ her hand follows his after a moment, keeping it pressed to her cheek, and she sighs a little softer this time. ]
I know at least one of them dislikes it. I'm sure it'll be a great comfort to him for me to apologize and own up, if that's what I decide on. And... I'll apologize to Kaito and March too, in that case. I promise.
Well, see, you're already looking on the bright side of things.
[That's very much like her. Even though he now knows the books, the full story - even if he has that image of her begging, wanting, yearning for more.]
[Her wanting to see the colors of the world...]
[How very, very much like her.]
[His hand cradles over her face.]
...You have a heart that wants the best of the world, Miss Malkuth. I hope it works out for you in return.
[Please do NOT look at the soft heart behind the curtain, thank you!]
[The kiss is a little unexpected, and a light splash of color appears in his ears.]
...My dreams may not be best for everyone else. [He murmurs - she's always so soft. It feels unbelievable she shares it so willingly with him.] Some days it feels like I don't know what exactly I want.
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[What a mysterious thing. It makes him think of Mang.]
[A "Light" to make someone inhuman back into this flesh and blood body...]
Can I ask...how you died as a robot? Did the Head find out about it?
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No. It's a little more complicated than that. Where do I even begin with this...?
[ a whole section of her second life she hasn't told either of her closest friends. at least... the event will ring a bell. ]
You know the White Nights and Dark Days, right? I mean, I'd be surprised if you didn't, but... it's connected to that.
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[Three days of brightness. Four days of deep darkness.]
[And L Corp fell.]
I....were you involved with that, Malkuth?
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[ and it's fresher for some. at least she's had some time. some months. but nothing in this story is nice, nothing is even bittersweet, and malkuth isn't interested in sugarcoating it either. ]
If it'd gone without a hitch, then there wouldn't have been any dark days at all -- the plan was to release all of the Light we'd stored up over the... the ten years Ayin and everyone else had been working so hard for, that everyone had died for, and cure the sickness that infected the City. That was Carmen's ideal, and the thing we strove to see completed by the end of it all -- even if, especially since, she was no longer with us.
... Angela's kind of like us. She wasn't ever human, technically, but she has human memories and desires. She's about as human as it gets -- and she wanted to live as one, since she wasn't happy with being asked to do so much and her only reward be eternal sleep. So we had a disagreement, and that disagreement ended with myself and some others being knocked aside and what Light was left over ended up shooting across the City, the bulk of it lost to Angela herself.
[ a sigh. tired, but at least it's coming to the end of that book. ]
She struck us a deal. We'd go to sleep for a little bit, and when she needed us we'd wake again in new forms -- in exchange for our help in collecting the Light that hadn't fully rooted in the people of the City, our Guests, we would be given a second shot to see our goal realized. And so we were willingly, unwillingly, put to slumber, and that's that. The end of my second life, the beginning of my third -- my current life.
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[She's at the heart of it, isn't she. The princess sitting in the midst of the dark forest of thorns.]
[This is a lot to think about - its an explanation that twists up and down his spine in an uncertain way. This is a book that feels close for comfort, yet so so far away. This poet, with his bloodied hands, can he understand the depths of those atrocities? To harvest people? Draw them in, pull the Light from them?]
[He lets out a low noise, light simmering in his eyes, but he's not shifting from where he is, like he's her colossus to hold, this undying statue.]
A disagreement...and you pulled the whole City into it, it seems.
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[ it hurts, of course. it always will. but at least she's used to it -- yesod is too, but she still wants to protect him from it. he shouldn't be hated for something he's not (yet) part of, able to hide it as well as any scar but effected nonetheless.
and netzach... might be apathetic to it all, but only because that heart of his is so gentle and encompassing. she knows this about them. she knows how warm they are, and how much they look out for others, and
it's better, like this. so they can be friends with others from their city without worry. vergilius's hand is tight in hers. ]
... So, that's pretty much all of the important events of my books. It's fine if you want to cast your gaze elsewhere -- I'll miss it, but I won't hold it against you.
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[Her amount of sin, he realizes, is a weight like no other. No wonder she had told him all that time ago those words, which he murmurs against her.]
"The only thing that was on my mind was making sure I actually died this time. But now I think that's just a form of running away. It's more painful to live with what you've done than to shrug it off like that."
[And even after this, after hearing all that, the long storied histories of his woman, front to back...even then, there's still that voice at the back of his mind saying "I'm worse."]
[He shakes his head - sure, it isn't as if he's happy to read these tomes, with bloodied pages, but at the same time, how can he judge? The pot and the kettle, sitting together. Roland, too, had thousands of souls to answer for. And all he could think was if he could ever be happy again.]
[He presses a light dusting of a kiss against her forehead.]
....You're....very special to me, Malkuth. More than you may know. I am...indebted to you. Truly. [A sigh.] This gaze shall keep you...for as long as this old guide lives.
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malkuth feels the sting of tears, not unlike when she'd been so fraught with frustration at herself for not being strong enough to resist the pull of the Abnormality's desire for flesh, and lets out a shaky exhale as she eases herself down again. that's nice. that's good. she's special to someone, for some reason, and though she doesn't agree nor know the reason for the debt... that is nice too, in its own way.
quiet, but sincere: ]
Thank you, Vergilius. I really appreciate it. I know it wasn't a wonderful tale, but thank you for listening, for reading anyway. There's nothing more I'm hiding from you now.
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[A little shake of the head - so many tales. So many books. The City torments and corrupts them all.]
But that doesn't mean....its not an important one. Or one that can't...make others happy.
[And an even quieter statement, his red eyes creased with a sliver of warm light for Malkuth, and Malkuth alone.]
So don't let anyone...yourself, even, say otherwise.
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I won't, don't worry. I make more people smile than I do scowl... even if your face is always a mix of both.
[ a little tease, weight off her chest and shoulders. ]
Some of the kinder moments I remember in my first life revolved around the people I knew in that research group. We had vastly different backgrounds -- there was even an aristocrat who got caught up in all of it -- but we all were working towards the same future, one we all saw and wanted to share... with each other, with the City as a whole. It might not have been a perfect group, and I'm certain we weren't always friends, but...
... I feel like our time in the Library together has let us reclaim a bit of that feeling. As miserable as it makes everyone else outside, as much as it's hurt those in the future... it really has been the only time I've been able to interact with everyone in a different way, a little closer to how things might have been back then.
[ so she's thankful for it, even as it turns others against her, even as it hurts. for the city it is a plague, a nightmare, a star unforgettable and terrifying, something to be purged by the highest they can send...
... it is warm and a sanctuary, it is a second chance in so many ways, it is something that, to her, is worth putting her own life and so many more on the line for. that is, unfortunately, something that will not change; it is worth it because they intend for it to be worth it, and they won't forget a name along the way. ]
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[The good comes with the bad. Most of the time, anyways.]
[For him, he still feels like the flow that he follows will never truly have any happiness for him. And he has accepted that long ago. His loved ones of the past are gone. Charon exists, yes, but is there a guarantee that Lapis will ever return? That Garnet will walk by his side?]
[There may be no second chances for them.]
[His own gaze grows a little distant as he strokes over hee shoulder.]
You're lucky. You are able to hold them in your hands after...everything. I understand why you'd want to keep that close.
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[ something they never asked her to do, perhaps never would want her to do -- she knows yesod doesn't like it, might feel it a repetition of the past... but it's necessary. ]
It's... enough to know they're safe, really.
[ ... ]
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[Again, this feels like its from his playbook.]
[He kind of hates it.]
Do you think that will change anytime soon?
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[ it can't be a firm yes or no. malkuth's aware of her own pain. it's just that... she can swallow it down, hypocrite that she is. for how long? she doesn't know. but it's not like losing teeth or fingernails. it's not painful.
... it's a different sort of painful, but fundamentally it isn't painful. her thumb runs against his hand, idle. ]
Marmar and Kaito already made me agree that I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid them or anything, so... I do interact with them every now and then. About as often as I did in my second life, I guess. So they're used to it anyway.
[ even if. she's no longer used to it, nor does she want to be. ]
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[Which he understands. He understands it to its core.]
How long...do you think you can avoid it?
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[ to protect them. to protect herself, maybe, from further unintended harm -- but to protect them most of all, putting herself second and bearing the brunt of anger, hatred, and pain both physical and emotional.
it has to be better this way. she'd feel a fool otherwise. even if... the doubts have been mounting, even if she perhaps acted too rashly, too panicked, too impulsively as always-- ]
It'd better this way, [ she repeats more for herself than for him, ] so let's leave it there. I'll keep it up as long as they need me to.
[ not that they need her to, or want her to, or care if she does... maybe she's being overly self-important... ]
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[He leans forward, trying to catch her eyes with his own.]
Is this what they deserve?
[Hypocritical of him to ask, but...its worth asking.]
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You're really bad at letting things go, Mr. Gaze.
[ deserve? yes and no. they deserve the protection, but perhaps not the isolation that comes from it; they have each other, so that should be comfort enough. she thinks of yesod's brief reach out both in the form of a gift and more literal with his cloaked hand, thumb brushing her cheek, and her heart tumbles downward with her gaze.
... back to their hands, playing with vergilius's fingers. quiet, so her voice doesn't tremble with emotions the way it always wants to, always does when she convinces herself of these facts. ]
I just want them to be happy. They've had a painful time more recently than I have, back home, so I want them to relax and learn about themselves without me pushing them one way or another. I'm not trying to be overbearing. It's... not easy, and I want to be friends with them still -- they're the most important people in my life here, above anyone else and always will be -- but I... I don't know. It's hard, and I could only think of how Ishmael lashed at me when we first spoke, and then there was you...
[ and she hid entirely from him at first, gauging the kind of person he was before he called her out and she confessed so easily to her identity. ]
They deserve my protection, even if they don't want it, but that's not what you're asking, is it.
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[Her explanation hangs in his head, his eyes darkening. The more and more she speaks...]
[Is this what it sounds like....to others?]
[Is this what my Office heard, when I told them that I could never go talk to the children again? That they shouldn't see me?]
No. It isn't.
[It's a pain that constricts him - his own scarred hands grasp onto hers, keeping them still.]
Why...are you making decisions on their behalf? Let them decide what to do. It will hurt more to...keep it under wraps, I think.
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... she knows she's assumed for them, just as kaito and vergilius had assumed for her. but it's different. those aren't life threatening. netzach and yesod are doing fine even without her around. why can't vergilius accept this the way kaito and march had? because she isn't asking anything of him? compromising? because she's simply explaining it, or because she knows it's wrong too?
but it'd be too weird to simply start off again out of nowhere, wouldn't it? she's already done her time in being away. it isn't on them to approach her though; it's on her to, being the one who asked it of them -- who told them this is how it should be, logically and advisably, even if... even if...
malkuth falters a little, a shaky sigh escaping her. ]
I don't think I can last much longer myself, you know. [ it hurts. ] It's not even that I want everyone to know, it's just-- I want to be able to talk to them normally and hang out, even if they're not used to it, even if there's things I can't say or explain. It feels like I'm starving, or suffocating, or-- something like that, and not even being around you, or March, or Kaito helps.
[ the three people she feels a little less lonely with. the people who, in a way, feel like parts of a home she doesn't really have. ]
Not anymore, anyway.
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[And he, here, despite his own self-deceptions and hypocrisy is able to take a stance on this that stands sound. He knows it too well on his own. Will he apply it to himself? Maybe not. But Malkuth can benefit from it.]
[She sighs like that, and his own heart flutters in his chest, wishing he could do more. If only he could tear her problems down like he does to Fixers at home.]
In the end...nobody can force you to do anything. But if they care for you...even in their darkness, I would not think they would wish to see you suffer in silence.
[One must move forward.]
The flow...cannot be stopped, Miss Malkuth. Dream on it for a night. The morning is usually wiser than the evening.
[His hand moves up to caress over her cheek lightly.]
But please...consider it. You're not the type of person who should be used to constantly burying her own bodies.
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his gentle hand. his light touch. malkuth leans into it, miserable with her heart thudding hard in her chest, and... she knows he's right. kaito was right, march was right. isn't she over wanting to be right, to stay right? isn't it okay to be wrong? didn't she learn that the hard way, again and again and again, taking things on when she really shouldn't have? suffering behind smiles?
dream on it for a night, he says. the morning is usually wiser than the evening. a truth if there ever was one, considering the last evening they spent together. ]
... I'll consider it. Having three people tell me pretty much the same thing really makes it seem like I'm not doing right by those two at all.
[ her hand follows his after a moment, keeping it pressed to her cheek, and she sighs a little softer this time. ]
I know at least one of them dislikes it. I'm sure it'll be a great comfort to him for me to apologize and own up, if that's what I decide on. And... I'll apologize to Kaito and March too, in that case. I promise.
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[That's very much like her. Even though he now knows the books, the full story - even if he has that image of her begging, wanting, yearning for more.]
[Her wanting to see the colors of the world...]
[How very, very much like her.]
[His hand cradles over her face.]
...You have a heart that wants the best of the world, Miss Malkuth. I hope it works out for you in return.
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[ and she'd like to give him some of that best, a thank you beyond words, so she smiles a little cheekily.
shifts onto her knees to better hold herself steady as she pecks his lips. ]
So I hope what you want works out for you, too. Whatever it is, whenever you want it.
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[Please do NOT look at the soft heart behind the curtain, thank you!]
[The kiss is a little unexpected, and a light splash of color appears in his ears.]
...My dreams may not be best for everyone else. [He murmurs - she's always so soft. It feels unbelievable she shares it so willingly with him.] Some days it feels like I don't know what exactly I want.
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