I told him he was still with me and making memories now and even if he disappeared, I wasn't going to let go of having known him and having been his friend, and then he said I was cruel for saying something like that to someone I only saw as a friend and then he... yeah.
I don't think you were cruel at all to say something like that to a friend, though. I'd be happy if you said all that to me.
[ and they're just friends... though malkuth lets march lean on her, putting herself in izou's shoes. it sounds a little romantic. or, at the very least, the earnesty march always puts forth, that sincerity... it is charming. paired with those sentiments...
is that kaito felt? especially when she couldn't answer him in a way he wanted, expected maybe? her tone grows softer, sorrier. ]
... Though... I guess if he already liked you that way before, or at least in a different way than you liked him... saying stuff like that does hurt, if the person saying it doesn't feel the same. Kind of like teasing someone. I mean, not that you could have known, but-- yeah.
I do feel that way about you too, you know. [ automatically. ] I'm not going to let myself forget a single thing about you.
[ Though as Malkuth's words permeate, her face falls. Oh. She hadn't thought about it like that, but-- ]
I didn't... think. [ Oh. ] I just figured... since it took so long to get him to let me be his friend, there was no way he felt anything else, but if he had and I said that...
[ and it's fine! when march says it to her! there's nothing cruel about it; it makes her warm, and she'd cuddle her if the moment allowed, reply the same. but if she had an inkling of desire, a yearning to hear that and be the only one to hear that... then yeah. yeah.
no, as someone who's liked another that way before-- she absolutely understands. ]
Not to him, even though... I'm sure he knows you don't mean to be unkind. And maybe that makes it worse -- he's probably beating himself up over it, too.
But I mean, sometimes it's easier to like someone than it is to be friends with them, March. That's how it is with me and Vergilius -- I don't think he'll ever call us friends, but I know that he won't look away from me either. As terrifying as it is sometimes. What's important is not to deny how Izou might've felt about you, and how he might still feel about you, or refuse to even consider it now that you know. I think.
[ she is no expert but
it sounds right, since it's what she'd like done for her. just to be accepted as a baseline, whether the other person felt the same or not. ]
There's no way I could deny it. Past or present tense or whatever other tense.
[ That'd be even more cruel, wouldn't it? That might have stunned her completely, what had transpired inside the rain and blood-scented halls of a Kyoto temple, but averting her eyes was never going to be the way to go here. ]
I'm not good at running away. It's just a lot to... think through.
[ don't wanna hear it from the girl who shook down a color fixer ]
Gosh, I'm jealous. I really shouldn't be, but Izou's a true gentleman for all he likes to act the opposite. [ why does she always feel obliged to give an answer immediately. maybe it's a her problem. ] You really don't owe him an answer -- but I get it. I'd want to respond too.
[ ... which comes to the crux of it. the main reason march would panic. it was hard enough to get him to be her friend, but anything more? being liked is fine, but liking someone? an opposite of her own thoughts: she doesn't mind liking someone, but being liked in return? ]
Listen, if you need me to shake down Mr. Vergilius again, I totally can.
[ Just saying. ]
But I... I don't know, it's hard to describe. It was sort of like a lot of different thoughts running into each other at high-speed? And kind of felt like I'd been hit by lightning, where you can't breathe or move for a minute. I think because I was really starting to think he was crushing on you, I got totally blindsided...
On me? [ ... ] Okay, I kind of get how you'd think that. But obviously he doesn't, which is sort of a relief if I can be honest with you, Marmar. Not because I dislike him or anything, I just don't know how I'd handle one more person feeling something beyond what we have for me.
[ please let her be free this month. ]
That sounds about right though, honestly. It's scary in a way. Or at least really shocking, and your mind just... doesn't want to work. Which makes me panic, anyway. Are you okay with him liking you though?
[ Maybe you should learn from March's mistake and not say sweet and earnest things while staring up into their face, because that's where the trouble starts! Malkuth!! ]
Yeah, I think... I was scared, too. Not of him [ NOT THE MAN WHO KILLS PEOPLE ] but the way I didn't even know what my own feelings were doing. But I'm okay with it, it's just figuring out the rest.
Like, if someone had to like me, I'm glad it's someone I already cared about. But it's like... thinking about him as something different feels sort of exhausting.
[ SHE ONLY TOUCHED HIS FACE TO HEAL HIM THAT'S DIFFERENT ]
It comes with way more questions. [ With a little huff. ]
Like, if things don't work out, does it ruin the friendship that took so long in the first place? Or what if he likes the me of now, but then eventually I get my memories back and the me of then was totally different and things aren't the same anymore? Do I like him or do I just not like the way it feels when he's upset?
For the second one, at least, do you really think that matters to Izou? You're you, Marmar. And... he's been betrayed before too, at least from what I got, so there's no way he'd want that to cause the same pain on someone he cares about.
Even if you get your memories back, does that shove out the ones you make now?
I know how I feel about it, but I don't know how anyone else would... is more the point. At the very least, I'd want anyone who liked me to know what they might be getting into first.
I guess the biggest problem is that I'm not sure how I feel, still.
[ and again, would izou care... he'd still like her, is the point -- but that is the bigger problem. ]
... Well, at least I can empathize with you there. [ feelings are hard. ] How did you feel thinking he had a crush on me? Like you could root for him if he wanted to go for it, or... that you couldn't?
I mean, in the end I'm always going to support whoever you like, and if that was Kaito, sure, I've got your back, and if that was Mr. Vergilius, I... well, everyone's got their preferred type for attractiveness and his personality's not bad when he's not putting himself down every other sentence--
[ Wait, she's getting sidetracked. ]
If it was Izou, I...
[ Saying she couldn't doesn't seem right. She thinks she could, if that really was how it wound up shaking out, but... ]
... I think I would have felt a little lonely, maybe...
[ ... She sounds so distressed by this realization. ]
MOSTLY GOT HER FEELINGS ON LOCK, SORT OF, not really but she'll cross those bridges when she comes to them. ]
I'm not talking about me having a thing for him -- which I don't, let me make that clear -- it's the other way around. If Izou treated someone else the way he does you... that's what you should be thinking about.
[ She'd felt it, briefly. When she'd thought that Izou had trusted Malkuth with something he'd been deliberately keeping from March, and she'd felt that sharpness in her chest, even though it made no logical sense.
Izou's someone who deserves more friends. She still believes that. And if he wanted to lead other friends by the wrist or back them against walls for one reason or another or give them that little lopsided smile when he was amused or pluck petals from their hair or teach them childhood folk songs or--
How much of that was Izou being friendly and how much of that was because it was her? And if that really happened, to anyone else...
The most Izou and I do is get drinks together. He's really sweet when he's aiming to cheer me up, and yeah, we've talked about some heavy stuff... just because we've "grown up" the same, in a way. I like to think we're friends. But he hasn't put his hands on me, and I don't think he would unless it's in a fight.
[ maybe they both keep a careful distance from each other, in hindsight. the way that mirrored surfaces are forever parallel. how two wary strays might interact, tolerating someone in their territory without being anything more than allies. malkuth doesn't feel the need to press it anyway, and izou... feels like he'd probably sooner clap her on the back than against a wall. ]
[ I believe in Malkuth getting pinned to a wall by someone one day, she deserves it. ]
You don't have to reassure me or anything; I know if you felt some kind of way about it, you'd tell me.
[ And March murmurs this quietly, but it's true. Beyond any of this, she and Malkuth have formed a strong bond of trust and mutual adoration, and she turns to wrap her arms around her friend. ]
And if I understood my own feelings better, I'd tell you too. I'm just trying to get through them right now. [ How she, personally, feels about Izou. What she wants to risk and what she doesn't. ]
[ ... she would, even if it might take some time. she wouldn't leave it too long. but just like izou, malkuth doesn't want her friend to be upset -- she'd told sooyoung once she wasn't the type to back down if someone else liked the person she did (mostly because, malkuth knows, it doesn't matter so long as she can get her feelings across), but if march was her opposite...
maybe she would be a little weak and glance away. this is nothing she'll confess to, pressing her cheek against march's head and tucking her friend more into her shoulder. ]
Well, take it step by step. Write out a list if it helps. And you're welcome to chat my ear off about everything under the sun about it, since Wings know you've heard more than enough from me -- no matter how the pieces fall, the fact you two care for each other won't change.
Yeah. [ It's said on the heels of a tired exhalation, but it's true agreement. Maybe she does need to write a list. And it's even more true that regardless of what conclusion she comes to, how much she cares for Izou isn't going to change. His statement that he just liked being around her had rung true, as well.
March is quiet for a few more seconds, feeling at least a little better with some kind of game plan in mind. ]
How're you feeling about things, by the way? Any changes since then?
[ ... how's she even talk about this... it feels a little embarrassing. ]
To be honest... I haven't been putting a lot of thought to it? I'm sort of just doing things one at a time, like focusing on Yesod and Netzach first.
[ she's a little apologetic, sure. but-- ]
I'm kinda relieved it hasn't come up again. Um, I guess I've gotten closer with Vergilius, and I'm really touched that he says he won't look away from me... He put me to sleep with a poem recently. Kaito's keeping busy as ever too, but I don't think he's avoiding me any either. [ as if her busy ass would clock it if he dared. ] Things are... okay. I just don't really know what I'm doing, even now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Izou sure is a passionate man! ]
no subject
[ and they're just friends... though malkuth lets march lean on her, putting herself in izou's shoes. it sounds a little romantic. or, at the very least, the earnesty march always puts forth, that sincerity... it is charming. paired with those sentiments...
is that kaito felt? especially when she couldn't answer him in a way he wanted, expected maybe? her tone grows softer, sorrier. ]
... Though... I guess if he already liked you that way before, or at least in a different way than you liked him... saying stuff like that does hurt, if the person saying it doesn't feel the same. Kind of like teasing someone. I mean, not that you could have known, but-- yeah.
no subject
[ Though as Malkuth's words permeate, her face falls. Oh. She hadn't thought about it like that, but-- ]
I didn't... think. [ Oh. ] I just figured... since it took so long to get him to let me be his friend, there was no way he felt anything else, but if he had and I said that...
That really wasn't kind at all, to hear.
no subject
no, as someone who's liked another that way before-- she absolutely understands. ]
Not to him, even though... I'm sure he knows you don't mean to be unkind. And maybe that makes it worse -- he's probably beating himself up over it, too.
But I mean, sometimes it's easier to like someone than it is to be friends with them, March. That's how it is with me and Vergilius -- I don't think he'll ever call us friends, but I know that he won't look away from me either. As terrifying as it is sometimes. What's important is not to deny how Izou might've felt about you, and how he might still feel about you, or refuse to even consider it now that you know. I think.
[ she is no expert but
it sounds right, since it's what she'd like done for her. just to be accepted as a baseline, whether the other person felt the same or not. ]
no subject
[ That'd be even more cruel, wouldn't it? That might have stunned her completely, what had transpired inside the rain and blood-scented halls of a Kyoto temple, but averting her eyes was never going to be the way to go here. ]
I'm not good at running away. It's just a lot to... think through.
[ Like, a lot. ]
no subject
[ malkuth's got energy to spare. she can turn him inside out. ]
no subject
He is, he is! He said he'd wait. He even said I didn't have to respond at all, but that didn't sit right with me.
no subject
Gosh, I'm jealous. I really shouldn't be, but Izou's a true gentleman for all he likes to act the opposite. [ why does she always feel obliged to give an answer immediately. maybe it's a her problem. ] You really don't owe him an answer -- but I get it. I'd want to respond too.
[ ... which comes to the crux of it. the main reason march would panic. it was hard enough to get him to be her friend, but anything more? being liked is fine, but liking someone? an opposite of her own thoughts: she doesn't mind liking someone, but being liked in return? ]
How'd it feel?
no subject
[ Just saying. ]
But I... I don't know, it's hard to describe. It was sort of like a lot of different thoughts running into each other at high-speed? And kind of felt like I'd been hit by lightning, where you can't breathe or move for a minute. I think because I was really starting to think he was crushing on you, I got totally blindsided...
no subject
On me? [ ... ] Okay, I kind of get how you'd think that. But obviously he doesn't, which is sort of a relief if I can be honest with you, Marmar. Not because I dislike him or anything, I just don't know how I'd handle one more person feeling something beyond what we have for me.
[ please let her be free this month. ]
That sounds about right though, honestly. It's scary in a way. Or at least really shocking, and your mind just... doesn't want to work. Which makes me panic, anyway. Are you okay with him liking you though?
no subject
Yeah, I think... I was scared, too. Not of him [ NOT THE MAN WHO KILLS PEOPLE ] but the way I didn't even know what my own feelings were doing. But I'm okay with it, it's just figuring out the rest.
Like, if someone had to like me, I'm glad it's someone I already cared about. But it's like... thinking about him as something different feels sort of exhausting.
no subject
What's exhausting about it?
[ sincerely curious. terrifying she'd get, given... her own issues... but exhausting's new. ]
no subject
It comes with way more questions. [ With a little huff. ]
Like, if things don't work out, does it ruin the friendship that took so long in the first place? Or what if he likes the me of now, but then eventually I get my memories back and the me of then was totally different and things aren't the same anymore? Do I like him or do I just not like the way it feels when he's upset?
no subject
For the second one, at least, do you really think that matters to Izou? You're you, Marmar. And... he's been betrayed before too, at least from what I got, so there's no way he'd want that to cause the same pain on someone he cares about.
Even if you get your memories back, does that shove out the ones you make now?
no subject
I guess the biggest problem is that I'm not sure how I feel, still.
no subject
... Well, at least I can empathize with you there. [ feelings are hard. ] How did you feel thinking he had a crush on me? Like you could root for him if he wanted to go for it, or... that you couldn't?
no subject
[ Wait, she's getting sidetracked. ]
If it was Izou, I...
[ Saying she couldn't doesn't seem right. She thinks she could, if that really was how it wound up shaking out, but... ]
... I think I would have felt a little lonely, maybe...
[ ... She sounds so distressed by this realization. ]
no subject
MOSTLY GOT HER FEELINGS ON LOCK, SORT OF, not really but she'll cross those bridges when she comes to them. ]
I'm not talking about me having a thing for him -- which I don't, let me make that clear -- it's the other way around. If Izou treated someone else the way he does you... that's what you should be thinking about.
no subject
Izou's someone who deserves more friends. She still believes that. And if he wanted to lead other friends by the wrist or back them against walls for one reason or another or give them that little lopsided smile when he was amused or pluck petals from their hair or teach them childhood folk songs or--
How much of that was Izou being friendly and how much of that was because it was her? And if that really happened, to anyone else...
March closes her eyes, looking a little pained. ]
... My head hurts.
no subject
[ she rubs march's back, apologetic. ]
The most Izou and I do is get drinks together. He's really sweet when he's aiming to cheer me up, and yeah, we've talked about some heavy stuff... just because we've "grown up" the same, in a way. I like to think we're friends. But he hasn't put his hands on me, and I don't think he would unless it's in a fight.
[ maybe they both keep a careful distance from each other, in hindsight. the way that mirrored surfaces are forever parallel. how two wary strays might interact, tolerating someone in their territory without being anything more than allies. malkuth doesn't feel the need to press it anyway, and izou... feels like he'd probably sooner clap her on the back than against a wall. ]
no subject
You don't have to reassure me or anything; I know if you felt some kind of way about it, you'd tell me.
[ And March murmurs this quietly, but it's true. Beyond any of this, she and Malkuth have formed a strong bond of trust and mutual adoration, and she turns to wrap her arms around her friend. ]
And if I understood my own feelings better, I'd tell you too. I'm just trying to get through them right now. [ How she, personally, feels about Izou. What she wants to risk and what she doesn't. ]
no subject
maybe she would be a little weak and glance away. this is nothing she'll confess to, pressing her cheek against march's head and tucking her friend more into her shoulder. ]
Well, take it step by step. Write out a list if it helps. And you're welcome to chat my ear off about everything under the sun about it, since Wings know you've heard more than enough from me -- no matter how the pieces fall, the fact you two care for each other won't change.
no subject
March is quiet for a few more seconds, feeling at least a little better with some kind of game plan in mind. ]
How're you feeling about things, by the way? Any changes since then?
no subject
To be honest... I haven't been putting a lot of thought to it? I'm sort of just doing things one at a time, like focusing on Yesod and Netzach first.
[ she's a little apologetic, sure. but-- ]
I'm kinda relieved it hasn't come up again. Um, I guess I've gotten closer with Vergilius, and I'm really touched that he says he won't look away from me... He put me to sleep with a poem recently. Kaito's keeping busy as ever too, but I don't think he's avoiding me any either. [ as if her busy ass would clock it if he dared. ] Things are... okay. I just don't really know what I'm doing, even now.
no subject
[ And yet here they are. So confident at friendship, so... ... well. It's fine. ]
But it's not like you don't have your hands full already... one thing at a time, right?
[ Same principle, and she'd just said it herself. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)