And I'd like to know all you're willing to share with me, so... let me open the pages of my book to you first. There's a couple volumes, and they're not all restored just yet, but the parts I want to talk to you have been.
[ for better and worse. malkuth stares straight ahead, hands clasped. ]
I haven't been fully honest with you.
L Corp wasn't a thing until my second life as Malkuth -- at least, not as I know it, and not as you remember it most recently. Elijah never took a job there, rather putting her hopes onto a woman with a charismatic, warm voice and a dream she shared -- the Seed of Light project, which would free the minds trapped by fear, despair, and hesitation. We had a facility in the Outskirts, away from the city and the Head, [ which might say enough, ] where we sought a certain...
[ ... how do you describe cogito oh my g ]
A certain substance? I guess you could call it... that's present in every living thing to an extent. I don't know the full of it since Elijah's clearance wasn't high, but it became the base of L Corp's Singularity later on -- and it's what killed Elijah after she injected it into herself without permission.
[ all of it said calmly, factually, memories and knowledge from a lifetime not hers anymore. roland had said she sounded like she was talking about someone else too. ]
Her happiness came much before then, in the Outskirts away from the oppressive City her and the others wanted to change. A group of dreamers that ended up living a nightmare.
[Let me open the pages of my book to you first, she says. She places herself in his hands. The poet is allowed to pore through this ancient tome in the form of a woman.]
[He barely blinks at her admitting her dishonesty. He also has been dishonest. And so, he listens, with respect and an open heart.]
["The Seed of Light project", huh...]
[...]
[The more she talks, the more this book feels heavy in his scarred hands. He holds it closer, brushing his cheek against the top of her head.]
Why did....you, Miss Elijah, do something like that?
[He has an inkling. They talked about this, in some aspect. But it pains him - so he wishes to hear it.]
[ miss elijah... her name here, her name in a lifetime past. she turns her head just a little, looking past vergilius to the picture; away again, to her hands. ]
Because I wanted to prove that I was worth something. I didn't have the same clearance everyone else did -- I was tasked to record the effects of Cogito, as it was called, on the living things we injected it into, day in and day out, when... when all I wanted was to see my name on that list, to be helpful despite all my impatience and mistakes and slip ups and--
[ her throat catches and she inhales sharply, slowly exhaling. calm, calm. another life, but she's digging her fingers into a reopened wound. ]
I thought... that maybe if I did something rash, and it worked out... That he would praise me, or acknowledge my efforts at least, instead of being shut down. That maybe I could be someone's light too.
[ and maybe she had been. maybe her flickering flame had caught someone's eye and she never knew, because she was always looking at another just ahead. just as that other was doing the same.
her hands are tight. ]
Cogito was far from suitable for human use at that time and I knew that, but I still did it. And I can honestly say that nothing will ever top the pain, the hopelessness I felt then. [ then, lighter, almost joking: ] I'm pretty convinced I could get one of those upgrades and walk it off with a smile.
[A desperate, twisted impulse to be noticed. To mean something. To be loved. To be held in other people's gazes. To be considered, even if it was through a horrific end.]
[He feels a tremble in his hands - noticing the way her hands tighten, he reaches towards them with his own, splaying scarred fingers over them to gently clasp over them. His other hand pulls her in closer, closer, bangs brushing against her own hair to try to get her to look back at him.]
It may be another life, but...it was yours, at one point. There's nothing that erases that.
[His voice is quiet. He wanted Roland, the children, the ones he loved to live n a world where they could be happy. To understand and hear such unhappiness...how cruel that is.]
Even if the you of the past did something so...horrible to yourself. To do that as if to scream from the depths of your soul, like you were at the bottom of a pit...it was you. And I'm...sorry that the you of then suffered like that.
[Another sigh - he presses his forehead against hers.]
At least know...in this life, I'll hold you in this gaze of mine. I won't look away.
[Like he's done for those who are now long gone. That is his duty, now.]</small
but it feels like it rots her anyway, gazing back at him so close, foreheads together and hair entwined. malkuth smiles, shakes her head, and bumps her her under his chin again. ]
That's just what survives of my first volume, you know. The very end of it. There's spots in the beginning, bits of the middle I'm still deciphering, but the ending is clear as can be -- and if you thought that was terrible, you're not gonna like my second. Because that's the one where I've lied.
[ at least by omission. she breathes out slowly. ]
So. When I woke up again, I wasn't just given a new name -- I was given a new form entirely, because my body had been transplanted into a robot's. I didn't have a single memory of my first life until much, much, much later, after years that felt more like a few months, and... I was simply an AI to help the new Manager adjust and get used to his new job directing over the rest of us.
At that time, I was known as Malkuth, the Sephirah of L Corp's main branch Control Team. [ a beat, hands squeezing in his again. ] When I said that others who claim to be part of L Corp have nothing to do with the Library, I was only technically being truthful. They will have something to do with the Library, but they don't have anything to do with it yet.
I don't know if you've met them, but Yesod and Netzach are my dear coworkers and... and friends, though they don't realize that right now. I'm telling you this because I trust that you won't harm them or feel any kind of animosity towards them, okay? They've been my best kept secret since I met Ishmael.
[It sounds incredulous. The Head would never allow such a thing. Humans being made into AIs..ludicrous. But he wouldn't doubt her. If it happened, it happened, and he's known Corps who are much too good at keeping things under wraps.]
[Malkuth, Sephirah of the Control Team. Control.]
[It seems like both a near and far cry from the job of architect.]
[His mind is whirling, trying to encapsulate it all. The first name is unfamiliar. But the second...there was a green-haired man with a lazy smile and dead eyes, wanting to pour in alcohol where he could.]
[His eyebrows furrow.]
I think I met....the second. He was a drunkard. I didn't...I didn't think....was he human, too? Like you?
Mmhmm. Our civilian names are the half we remember... well, that Yesod and I remember of our first lives. Netzach hasn't reached that point yet.
[ mysteriously, frustratingly. ]
I've been watching over them both for going on two months now, trying not to interfere or be too friendly so no one thinks we're connected and goes after them because-- frankly, Vergilius, neither of them can defend themselves, I'm the only one who can do what I do.
[ ... so. so. yeah. she's quiet for a moment more, resting against him. at least it doesn't feel like a prison. ]
After I saw how much Ishmael hated me for being part of the Library, I decided it was best for them to be as unconnected as they could be to me. And... I don't want either of them to feel awkward just because I know more about them than they do, or I'm friendlier to them in a different way than I was in our second life together.
... Kaito and March are the only other ones who know, and I'd like to keep it that way.
[Technically, he hated her for being part of the Library. The pain it caused, when that woman came waltzing out. She should have stayed there. She should never have escaped.]
[But his heart is too soft. Malkuth is not the entire Library. Roland was there, too, apparently - should he blame him for allowing it to happen? Probably not. His anger feels all over the place, scattered and tumultuous like an untamed sea.]
[An anger he wants to spare most from, besides the very roots of the City they live in, and the snake-like woman who smiled as she spun him into her coils.]
[The mention of Kaito makes him look a little distant - there's a strange little pang, like a needle in his chest. Something about guilt, something more akin to vague envy, a new sort of emotion for him. So Kaito learned all this before, huh? But he must put it aside. She's telling him now, isn't she?]
[He rubs his thumb a little over her hands for a quiet moment.]
I understand. Don't worry. This won't...leave this room. I'll make sure of it.
[Another little sigh, vaguely fond.]
Why are you in this body when they aren't, though?
[ ... she relaxes, then. only once he's told her not to worry, only once he makes an unspoken promise to keep it under lock and key. it causes her to slump more against him, not realizing how tense she'd been, and wiggles the fingers of one hand into his. ]
Because I died a second time, and when I woke I was still Malkuth, but in a different form. Angela... our Head Librarian, created it with the Light held within the Library, and based it on the memories she had from the person she'd been born from too, I think. That's the running theory anyway. It's why I'm more human, but not exactly either -- I'm as connected to the Library as any guest we've booked, but I bleed like them too.
[ huge jump from one death to another there. she knows. first page, last page. ]
[That IS a huge jump. The distraction of her fingers interlocking with his aren't enough to make him glance down at her with eyebrows furrowed. The "Light"....]
[What a mysterious thing. It makes him think of Mang.]
[A "Light" to make someone inhuman back into this flesh and blood body...]
Can I ask...how you died as a robot? Did the Head find out about it?
[ and it's fresher for some. at least she's had some time. some months. but nothing in this story is nice, nothing is even bittersweet, and malkuth isn't interested in sugarcoating it either. ]
If it'd gone without a hitch, then there wouldn't have been any dark days at all -- the plan was to release all of the Light we'd stored up over the... the ten years Ayin and everyone else had been working so hard for, that everyone had died for, and cure the sickness that infected the City. That was Carmen's ideal, and the thing we strove to see completed by the end of it all -- even if, especially since, she was no longer with us.
... Angela's kind of like us. She wasn't ever human, technically, but she has human memories and desires. She's about as human as it gets -- and she wanted to live as one, since she wasn't happy with being asked to do so much and her only reward be eternal sleep. So we had a disagreement, and that disagreement ended with myself and some others being knocked aside and what Light was left over ended up shooting across the City, the bulk of it lost to Angela herself.
[ a sigh. tired, but at least it's coming to the end of that book. ]
She struck us a deal. We'd go to sleep for a little bit, and when she needed us we'd wake again in new forms -- in exchange for our help in collecting the Light that hadn't fully rooted in the people of the City, our Guests, we would be given a second shot to see our goal realized. And so we were willingly, unwillingly, put to slumber, and that's that. The end of my second life, the beginning of my third -- my current life.
[She's at the heart of it, isn't she. The princess sitting in the midst of the dark forest of thorns.]
[This is a lot to think about - its an explanation that twists up and down his spine in an uncertain way. This is a book that feels close for comfort, yet so so far away. This poet, with his bloodied hands, can he understand the depths of those atrocities? To harvest people? Draw them in, pull the Light from them?]
[He lets out a low noise, light simmering in his eyes, but he's not shifting from where he is, like he's her colossus to hold, this undying statue.]
A disagreement...and you pulled the whole City into it, it seems.
I don't blame Ishmael for hating me so much. I really deserve it for all that's happened -- and I'd rather it be me than either of them. I'm used to being hated.
[ it hurts, of course. it always will. but at least she's used to it -- yesod is too, but she still wants to protect him from it. he shouldn't be hated for something he's not (yet) part of, able to hide it as well as any scar but effected nonetheless.
and netzach... might be apathetic to it all, but only because that heart of his is so gentle and encompassing. she knows this about them. she knows how warm they are, and how much they look out for others, and
it's better, like this. so they can be friends with others from their city without worry. vergilius's hand is tight in hers. ]
... So, that's pretty much all of the important events of my books. It's fine if you want to cast your gaze elsewhere -- I'll miss it, but I won't hold it against you.
[Ah, those could be words right from his mouth. I really deserve it for all that's happened.]
[Her amount of sin, he realizes, is a weight like no other. No wonder she had told him all that time ago those words, which he murmurs against her.]
"The only thing that was on my mind was making sure I actually died this time. But now I think that's just a form of running away. It's more painful to live with what you've done than to shrug it off like that."
[And even after this, after hearing all that, the long storied histories of his woman, front to back...even then, there's still that voice at the back of his mind saying "I'm worse."]
[He shakes his head - sure, it isn't as if he's happy to read these tomes, with bloodied pages, but at the same time, how can he judge? The pot and the kettle, sitting together. Roland, too, had thousands of souls to answer for. And all he could think was if he could ever be happy again.]
[He presses a light dusting of a kiss against her forehead.]
....You're....very special to me, Malkuth. More than you may know. I am...indebted to you. Truly. [A sigh.] This gaze shall keep you...for as long as this old guide lives.
[ she shudders. she can't help it, the words she'd spoken so idly long ago to him, a careful and contextless admission of guilt she held up before him, remembered and set before her now. the arm still around her, the body against hers, the hand locked in place... the brush of a kiss, words sweet and warm.
malkuth feels the sting of tears, not unlike when she'd been so fraught with frustration at herself for not being strong enough to resist the pull of the Abnormality's desire for flesh, and lets out a shaky exhale as she eases herself down again. that's nice. that's good. she's special to someone, for some reason, and though she doesn't agree nor know the reason for the debt... that is nice too, in its own way.
quiet, but sincere: ]
Thank you, Vergilius. I really appreciate it. I know it wasn't a wonderful tale, but thank you for listening, for reading anyway. There's nothing more I'm hiding from you now.
[ a warmth for her, and her alone. malkuth is aware of her breathing, the way someone realizes if they've stopped and hurry to start the natural cycle anew, and laughs a little. happy, without cause, simply content as she nuzzles into him. ]
I won't, don't worry. I make more people smile than I do scowl... even if your face is always a mix of both.
[ a little tease, weight off her chest and shoulders. ]
Some of the kinder moments I remember in my first life revolved around the people I knew in that research group. We had vastly different backgrounds -- there was even an aristocrat who got caught up in all of it -- but we all were working towards the same future, one we all saw and wanted to share... with each other, with the City as a whole. It might not have been a perfect group, and I'm certain we weren't always friends, but...
... I feel like our time in the Library together has let us reclaim a bit of that feeling. As miserable as it makes everyone else outside, as much as it's hurt those in the future... it really has been the only time I've been able to interact with everyone in a different way, a little closer to how things might have been back then.
[ so she's thankful for it, even as it turns others against her, even as it hurts. for the city it is a plague, a nightmare, a star unforgettable and terrifying, something to be purged by the highest they can send...
... it is warm and a sanctuary, it is a second chance in so many ways, it is something that, to her, is worth putting her own life and so many more on the line for. that is, unfortunately, something that will not change; it is worth it because they intend for it to be worth it, and they won't forget a name along the way. ]
[The good comes with the bad. Most of the time, anyways.]
[For him, he still feels like the flow that he follows will never truly have any happiness for him. And he has accepted that long ago. His loved ones of the past are gone. Charon exists, yes, but is there a guarantee that Lapis will ever return? That Garnet will walk by his side?]
[There may be no second chances for them.]
[His own gaze grows a little distant as he strokes over hee shoulder.]
You're lucky. You are able to hold them in your hands after...everything. I understand why you'd want to keep that close.
... And why I have to keep them at a distance now, for their sake.
[ something they never asked her to do, perhaps never would want her to do -- she knows yesod doesn't like it, might feel it a repetition of the past... but it's necessary. ]
[ it can't be a firm yes or no. malkuth's aware of her own pain. it's just that... she can swallow it down, hypocrite that she is. for how long? she doesn't know. but it's not like losing teeth or fingernails. it's not painful.
... it's a different sort of painful, but fundamentally it isn't painful. her thumb runs against his hand, idle. ]
Marmar and Kaito already made me agree that I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid them or anything, so... I do interact with them every now and then. About as often as I did in my second life, I guess. So they're used to it anyway.
[ even if. she's no longer used to it, nor does she want to be. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
In a philosophical way, maybe it's impossible to get to know one another, to the depths of our souls.
[but,]
In a more factual sense...we're still learning much on each other. There's many things you don't know about me, after all.
no subject
[ for better and worse. malkuth stares straight ahead, hands clasped. ]
I haven't been fully honest with you.
L Corp wasn't a thing until my second life as Malkuth -- at least, not as I know it, and not as you remember it most recently. Elijah never took a job there, rather putting her hopes onto a woman with a charismatic, warm voice and a dream she shared -- the Seed of Light project, which would free the minds trapped by fear, despair, and hesitation. We had a facility in the Outskirts, away from the city and the Head, [ which might say enough, ] where we sought a certain...
[ ... how do you describe cogito oh my g ]
A certain substance? I guess you could call it... that's present in every living thing to an extent. I don't know the full of it since Elijah's clearance wasn't high, but it became the base of L Corp's Singularity later on -- and it's what killed Elijah after she injected it into herself without permission.
[ all of it said calmly, factually, memories and knowledge from a lifetime not hers anymore. roland had said she sounded like she was talking about someone else too. ]
Her happiness came much before then, in the Outskirts away from the oppressive City her and the others wanted to change. A group of dreamers that ended up living a nightmare.
no subject
[He barely blinks at her admitting her dishonesty. He also has been dishonest. And so, he listens, with respect and an open heart.]
["The Seed of Light project", huh...]
[...]
[The more she talks, the more this book feels heavy in his scarred hands. He holds it closer, brushing his cheek against the top of her head.]
Why did....you, Miss Elijah, do something like that?
[He has an inkling. They talked about this, in some aspect. But it pains him - so he wishes to hear it.]
no subject
Because I wanted to prove that I was worth something. I didn't have the same clearance everyone else did -- I was tasked to record the effects of Cogito, as it was called, on the living things we injected it into, day in and day out, when... when all I wanted was to see my name on that list, to be helpful despite all my impatience and mistakes and slip ups and--
[ her throat catches and she inhales sharply, slowly exhaling. calm, calm. another life, but she's digging her fingers into a reopened wound. ]
I thought... that maybe if I did something rash, and it worked out... That he would praise me, or acknowledge my efforts at least, instead of being shut down. That maybe I could be someone's light too.
[ and maybe she had been. maybe her flickering flame had caught someone's eye and she never knew, because she was always looking at another just ahead. just as that other was doing the same.
her hands are tight. ]
Cogito was far from suitable for human use at that time and I knew that, but I still did it. And I can honestly say that nothing will ever top the pain, the hopelessness I felt then. [ then, lighter, almost joking: ] I'm pretty convinced I could get one of those upgrades and walk it off with a smile.
no subject
[He feels a tremble in his hands - noticing the way her hands tighten, he reaches towards them with his own, splaying scarred fingers over them to gently clasp over them. His other hand pulls her in closer, closer, bangs brushing against her own hair to try to get her to look back at him.]
It may be another life, but...it was yours, at one point. There's nothing that erases that.
[His voice is quiet. He wanted Roland, the children, the ones he loved to live n a world where they could be happy. To understand and hear such unhappiness...how cruel that is.]
Even if the you of the past did something so...horrible to yourself. To do that as if to scream from the depths of your soul, like you were at the bottom of a pit...it was you. And I'm...sorry that the you of then suffered like that.
[Another sigh - he presses his forehead against hers.]
At least know...in this life, I'll hold you in this gaze of mine. I won't look away.
[Like he's done for those who are now long gone. That is his duty, now.]</small
no subject
but it feels like it rots her anyway, gazing back at him so close, foreheads together and hair entwined. malkuth smiles, shakes her head, and bumps her her under his chin again. ]
That's just what survives of my first volume, you know. The very end of it. There's spots in the beginning, bits of the middle I'm still deciphering, but the ending is clear as can be -- and if you thought that was terrible, you're not gonna like my second. Because that's the one where I've lied.
[ at least by omission. she breathes out slowly. ]
So. When I woke up again, I wasn't just given a new name -- I was given a new form entirely, because my body had been transplanted into a robot's. I didn't have a single memory of my first life until much, much, much later, after years that felt more like a few months, and... I was simply an AI to help the new Manager adjust and get used to his new job directing over the rest of us.
At that time, I was known as Malkuth, the Sephirah of L Corp's main branch Control Team. [ a beat, hands squeezing in his again. ] When I said that others who claim to be part of L Corp have nothing to do with the Library, I was only technically being truthful. They will have something to do with the Library, but they don't have anything to do with it yet.
I don't know if you've met them, but Yesod and Netzach are my dear coworkers and... and friends, though they don't realize that right now. I'm telling you this because I trust that you won't harm them or feel any kind of animosity towards them, okay? They've been my best kept secret since I met Ishmael.
no subject
[She was a robot?]
[It sounds incredulous. The Head would never allow such a thing. Humans being made into AIs..ludicrous. But he wouldn't doubt her. If it happened, it happened, and he's known Corps who are much too good at keeping things under wraps.]
[Malkuth, Sephirah of the Control Team. Control.]
[It seems like both a near and far cry from the job of architect.]
[His mind is whirling, trying to encapsulate it all. The first name is unfamiliar. But the second...there was a green-haired man with a lazy smile and dead eyes, wanting to pour in alcohol where he could.]
[His eyebrows furrow.]
I think I met....the second. He was a drunkard. I didn't...I didn't think....was he human, too? Like you?
no subject
[ mysteriously, frustratingly. ]
I've been watching over them both for going on two months now, trying not to interfere or be too friendly so no one thinks we're connected and goes after them because-- frankly, Vergilius, neither of them can defend themselves, I'm the only one who can do what I do.
[ ... so. so. yeah. she's quiet for a moment more, resting against him. at least it doesn't feel like a prison. ]
After I saw how much Ishmael hated me for being part of the Library, I decided it was best for them to be as unconnected as they could be to me. And... I don't want either of them to feel awkward just because I know more about them than they do, or I'm friendlier to them in a different way than I was in our second life together.
... Kaito and March are the only other ones who know, and I'd like to keep it that way.
[ for now. she guesses. ]
no subject
[Technically, he hated her for being part of the Library. The pain it caused, when that woman came waltzing out. She should have stayed there. She should never have escaped.]
[But his heart is too soft. Malkuth is not the entire Library. Roland was there, too, apparently - should he blame him for allowing it to happen? Probably not. His anger feels all over the place, scattered and tumultuous like an untamed sea.]
[An anger he wants to spare most from, besides the very roots of the City they live in, and the snake-like woman who smiled as she spun him into her coils.]
[The mention of Kaito makes him look a little distant - there's a strange little pang, like a needle in his chest. Something about guilt, something more akin to vague envy, a new sort of emotion for him. So Kaito learned all this before, huh? But he must put it aside. She's telling him now, isn't she?]
[He rubs his thumb a little over her hands for a quiet moment.]
I understand. Don't worry. This won't...leave this room. I'll make sure of it.
[Another little sigh, vaguely fond.]
Why are you in this body when they aren't, though?
no subject
Because I died a second time, and when I woke I was still Malkuth, but in a different form. Angela... our Head Librarian, created it with the Light held within the Library, and based it on the memories she had from the person she'd been born from too, I think. That's the running theory anyway. It's why I'm more human, but not exactly either -- I'm as connected to the Library as any guest we've booked, but I bleed like them too.
[ huge jump from one death to another there. she knows. first page, last page. ]
no subject
[What a mysterious thing. It makes him think of Mang.]
[A "Light" to make someone inhuman back into this flesh and blood body...]
Can I ask...how you died as a robot? Did the Head find out about it?
no subject
No. It's a little more complicated than that. Where do I even begin with this...?
[ a whole section of her second life she hasn't told either of her closest friends. at least... the event will ring a bell. ]
You know the White Nights and Dark Days, right? I mean, I'd be surprised if you didn't, but... it's connected to that.
no subject
[Three days of brightness. Four days of deep darkness.]
[And L Corp fell.]
I....were you involved with that, Malkuth?
no subject
[ and it's fresher for some. at least she's had some time. some months. but nothing in this story is nice, nothing is even bittersweet, and malkuth isn't interested in sugarcoating it either. ]
If it'd gone without a hitch, then there wouldn't have been any dark days at all -- the plan was to release all of the Light we'd stored up over the... the ten years Ayin and everyone else had been working so hard for, that everyone had died for, and cure the sickness that infected the City. That was Carmen's ideal, and the thing we strove to see completed by the end of it all -- even if, especially since, she was no longer with us.
... Angela's kind of like us. She wasn't ever human, technically, but she has human memories and desires. She's about as human as it gets -- and she wanted to live as one, since she wasn't happy with being asked to do so much and her only reward be eternal sleep. So we had a disagreement, and that disagreement ended with myself and some others being knocked aside and what Light was left over ended up shooting across the City, the bulk of it lost to Angela herself.
[ a sigh. tired, but at least it's coming to the end of that book. ]
She struck us a deal. We'd go to sleep for a little bit, and when she needed us we'd wake again in new forms -- in exchange for our help in collecting the Light that hadn't fully rooted in the people of the City, our Guests, we would be given a second shot to see our goal realized. And so we were willingly, unwillingly, put to slumber, and that's that. The end of my second life, the beginning of my third -- my current life.
no subject
[She's at the heart of it, isn't she. The princess sitting in the midst of the dark forest of thorns.]
[This is a lot to think about - its an explanation that twists up and down his spine in an uncertain way. This is a book that feels close for comfort, yet so so far away. This poet, with his bloodied hands, can he understand the depths of those atrocities? To harvest people? Draw them in, pull the Light from them?]
[He lets out a low noise, light simmering in his eyes, but he's not shifting from where he is, like he's her colossus to hold, this undying statue.]
A disagreement...and you pulled the whole City into it, it seems.
no subject
[ it hurts, of course. it always will. but at least she's used to it -- yesod is too, but she still wants to protect him from it. he shouldn't be hated for something he's not (yet) part of, able to hide it as well as any scar but effected nonetheless.
and netzach... might be apathetic to it all, but only because that heart of his is so gentle and encompassing. she knows this about them. she knows how warm they are, and how much they look out for others, and
it's better, like this. so they can be friends with others from their city without worry. vergilius's hand is tight in hers. ]
... So, that's pretty much all of the important events of my books. It's fine if you want to cast your gaze elsewhere -- I'll miss it, but I won't hold it against you.
no subject
[Her amount of sin, he realizes, is a weight like no other. No wonder she had told him all that time ago those words, which he murmurs against her.]
"The only thing that was on my mind was making sure I actually died this time. But now I think that's just a form of running away. It's more painful to live with what you've done than to shrug it off like that."
[And even after this, after hearing all that, the long storied histories of his woman, front to back...even then, there's still that voice at the back of his mind saying "I'm worse."]
[He shakes his head - sure, it isn't as if he's happy to read these tomes, with bloodied pages, but at the same time, how can he judge? The pot and the kettle, sitting together. Roland, too, had thousands of souls to answer for. And all he could think was if he could ever be happy again.]
[He presses a light dusting of a kiss against her forehead.]
....You're....very special to me, Malkuth. More than you may know. I am...indebted to you. Truly. [A sigh.] This gaze shall keep you...for as long as this old guide lives.
no subject
malkuth feels the sting of tears, not unlike when she'd been so fraught with frustration at herself for not being strong enough to resist the pull of the Abnormality's desire for flesh, and lets out a shaky exhale as she eases herself down again. that's nice. that's good. she's special to someone, for some reason, and though she doesn't agree nor know the reason for the debt... that is nice too, in its own way.
quiet, but sincere: ]
Thank you, Vergilius. I really appreciate it. I know it wasn't a wonderful tale, but thank you for listening, for reading anyway. There's nothing more I'm hiding from you now.
no subject
[A little shake of the head - so many tales. So many books. The City torments and corrupts them all.]
But that doesn't mean....its not an important one. Or one that can't...make others happy.
[And an even quieter statement, his red eyes creased with a sliver of warm light for Malkuth, and Malkuth alone.]
So don't let anyone...yourself, even, say otherwise.
no subject
I won't, don't worry. I make more people smile than I do scowl... even if your face is always a mix of both.
[ a little tease, weight off her chest and shoulders. ]
Some of the kinder moments I remember in my first life revolved around the people I knew in that research group. We had vastly different backgrounds -- there was even an aristocrat who got caught up in all of it -- but we all were working towards the same future, one we all saw and wanted to share... with each other, with the City as a whole. It might not have been a perfect group, and I'm certain we weren't always friends, but...
... I feel like our time in the Library together has let us reclaim a bit of that feeling. As miserable as it makes everyone else outside, as much as it's hurt those in the future... it really has been the only time I've been able to interact with everyone in a different way, a little closer to how things might have been back then.
[ so she's thankful for it, even as it turns others against her, even as it hurts. for the city it is a plague, a nightmare, a star unforgettable and terrifying, something to be purged by the highest they can send...
... it is warm and a sanctuary, it is a second chance in so many ways, it is something that, to her, is worth putting her own life and so many more on the line for. that is, unfortunately, something that will not change; it is worth it because they intend for it to be worth it, and they won't forget a name along the way. ]
no subject
[The good comes with the bad. Most of the time, anyways.]
[For him, he still feels like the flow that he follows will never truly have any happiness for him. And he has accepted that long ago. His loved ones of the past are gone. Charon exists, yes, but is there a guarantee that Lapis will ever return? That Garnet will walk by his side?]
[There may be no second chances for them.]
[His own gaze grows a little distant as he strokes over hee shoulder.]
You're lucky. You are able to hold them in your hands after...everything. I understand why you'd want to keep that close.
no subject
[ something they never asked her to do, perhaps never would want her to do -- she knows yesod doesn't like it, might feel it a repetition of the past... but it's necessary. ]
It's... enough to know they're safe, really.
[ ... ]
no subject
[Again, this feels like its from his playbook.]
[He kind of hates it.]
Do you think that will change anytime soon?
no subject
[ it can't be a firm yes or no. malkuth's aware of her own pain. it's just that... she can swallow it down, hypocrite that she is. for how long? she doesn't know. but it's not like losing teeth or fingernails. it's not painful.
... it's a different sort of painful, but fundamentally it isn't painful. her thumb runs against his hand, idle. ]
Marmar and Kaito already made me agree that I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid them or anything, so... I do interact with them every now and then. About as often as I did in my second life, I guess. So they're used to it anyway.
[ even if. she's no longer used to it, nor does she want to be. ]
no subject
[Which he understands. He understands it to its core.]
How long...do you think you can avoid it?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)