he's gonna be sitting on read for a few minutes. just until she gets it looking nice enough, a shot down her front as she lays in bed, her nails painted red on the swell of her barely covered breast; her leg is propped in such a way as to let the pretty white sundress she'd chosen to let the color Pop drag down her thigh, a thin, frilly fabric that lays against the rest of her.
malkuth may never be a pin up model but she can guess what might be attractive. to him, at least.
... far off, barely visible on her desk, is a framed photograph whose inhabitants are obscured by light. ]
[There's a definite flip of his stomach. It's both good and bad. This IS going to places he's never been. But he's unsure of it - as if he's uncertain if its really meant for him. As if he's a little nervous about what it could mean, that she sends him pictures like this after what they shared together.]
[Because he likes it, of course he does, he likes it very much, and it makes that flip of his stomach feel all the more heated, but she could be there dressed in baggy clothes and he could feel the same way, he thinks.]
You're better at flirting when you're drunk. (*´艸`*)
Nope! It's a picture Citrine, my hummingbird, had in her claws when I got her. Of my first life, with some of the group I worked with then.
[ it's a brief walk anyway, though her hand pauses at the frame as she considers it.
... it's fine. it doesn't show any relevant faces like this, and so malkuth sends a shot of it against her desk. ]
There's me! Right in the corner! Beside Elijah is Michelle -- she was the youngest of the researchers brought on, but that makes her the brightest too in my opinion -- and behind us is Kali. The three in the middle are Ayin, Carmen, and Benjamin... they were the lead researchers of the group, and directed us as we sought to find a cure for the City's despair.
There were more of us, but this shot doesn't include them. I'd like to get a matching with the rest... but I wonder if such a memory exists.
[Its because for him, its about the weight of the emotion, he thinks. Its about her smile above all. Its about holding her hand against his face, and the overwhelming comfort that brings.]
[But of course she's showing the photo. A glimpse of lifetimes ago.]
huh. i wonder how they procured this. from your memories?
you all look ready for a bright future.
but as it seems. and what you have told me. it did not come, did it
Not for us, no. I don't know what happened after I died... I never thought to ask anyone. But every face in this picture is gone, or different.
[ did he find the redemption he sought? was she able to rest after so long? her thumb brushes over the man on the left as she sits back on the bed with it. ]
Carmen died first. After that, we worked harder than ever to see her vision come true... Most of my memories are from that time. I remember running around so much I barely registered the faces I passed, though I was scolded endlessly by Gabriel. He isn't in this picture.
[ he is, but he's not visible. she takes the photo out of the frame and unfolds it carefully, a sight for her and her alone. it'd be nice... to show the whole of it sometime, but... ]
... whatever friendship there might have been in that group must have soured, spoiled, rotted away; they were held together by one person alone, and once she was gone... were they all friends? she recalled enjoying their company at least, dropping by to visit giovanni and walking with michelle through the halls, pestering gabriel with questions he'd rarely answer and happy when he did.
were they friends?
malkuth leaves him on read for a bit, lost in her thoughts, before she shakes her head. ]
Carmen? Well... she wasn't really the one who died first-first, but in the research group she gathered for the work she was -- we had two young ones with us, Lisa and Enoch, who we took in from the Outskirts. Enoch ended up passing due to an experiment he'd volunteered for, [ even now, even now there's things she doesn't reveal, after it's all said and done, ] and Carmen was so wracked with guilt over it that she ended her life. Lisa's anger didn't help, I'm sure.
[ not that elijah had blamed her for being so angry. they'd been sweet kids. kept more to themselves than anything, but it was nice to see them together too. losing a loved one hurts. that's why she couldn't blame ayin, either.
even if she wasn't barred from certain knowledge, there's so much beyond red tape she still can't talk about. the photographs edges strain and she sets it on her lap, smoothing it out again. don't tear it. of all things, not this. ]
[A young one, allowing himself to be used for an experiment.]
[It brings up memories like bile. That man, indulging in dots. The corridors, winding. The children in tubes, then transformed, then monstrous.]
[It makes him hate the City all the more. This is why it deserves to be upturned, overturned, razed.]
[It also takes him a good moment to reply. As much as he wants to bite at his own open wound, he realizes how much of one it is for her, to share something like this.]
it's a private hurt. a wound she picks at sometimes, leaves others. one that should have been scarred long, long ago, healed ugly but healed nonetheless -- she thought it was, but maybe interacting with netzach and yesod here, maybe being more reminded of the things she can't do or speak about, has carefully, quietly, cut that hardened tissue open again, letting the scar breathe. malkuth carefully folds gabriel away again, a quiet apology in her heart, and returns it to the frame.
maybe one day. maybe.
does she? but he's offering, so he wants to come over too. at the very least she's changing from the sundress picked out from the style upgrade back to the layabout clothes she'd had before, everlight's gold an eyesore for her mood. malkuth understands gabriel's need to be covered, to have every inch of skin removed from sight. it's easier to hide the nonexistent scars from others. ]
[He will make a detour outside before he wanders over to her - nothing as major as getting a birthday gift yet, since he needs to think about it some more. But still, it feels he needs to bring something along.]
[After some time, he's knocking at her door. When opened, he's offering what he has in his hands with a light nod:]
[ oh, that'll be perfect to put her yarn supplies into once she cleans it out. thank goodness. what wonderful timing for wrio to give her a gift in a bit.
malkuth's face does light up though as she takes it, smile wide not just at the gift but at the contents within as she pries to open... ooh. cookies galore. she's gonna plop back on the edge of her bed, the picture returned to her desk where it hadn't been last he'd come to visit. ]
I do! I guess it's because I run around a lot, so I use up a lot of energy, but sweet things really hit the spot for me. Thanks, Vergilius.
[ let her crack into it... mm. cookie. she isn't gesturing for him to sit today, he should know he's welcome on her bed anytime. ]
[She's not in her sundress now, he notices. Not that he misses it - once again, she can wear anything she wants. It's all about her.]
[He comes in, pausing briefly before moving to her side to sit down on the bed. He's wearing his leather jacket today - and yes, there is the crown pin placed, almost inconspicuous, at one of his jacket pockets.]
[ ... cute... the admittance and the catch of color, brief as it is to her before she leans against him. resting. ]
Well, you're doing a good job of it so far. I could use an arm around me though.
[ direct is best. let her sink into you, old man. ]
It thought it'd get easier to talk about as time went on, but it's still painful. [ it had been with roland, too. calm as she could manage, calm as her voice is now. like it isn't her, but is. ] I don't know if I miss those days though, funny enough. Even if they must've been some of the happiest Elijah had.
[...The request is met with a brief stare, before he moves in, wrapping an arm around her to pull her into him, resting his head against hers with a plaintive little huff of a sigh.]
Tragedies like that, so buried deep, always sting like thorns. So even the happiness....feels tainted, in its own way.
[But then again, he thinks he misses those days, with the orphanage. When everything was so, so simple.]
[ with the question, she can feel the gap of knowledge between them. it makes her laugh, short with a shake of her head, and she sighs herself. tired, a little. wondering just how to explain. mm. ]
And I'd like to know all you're willing to share with me, so... let me open the pages of my book to you first. There's a couple volumes, and they're not all restored just yet, but the parts I want to talk to you have been.
[ for better and worse. malkuth stares straight ahead, hands clasped. ]
I haven't been fully honest with you.
L Corp wasn't a thing until my second life as Malkuth -- at least, not as I know it, and not as you remember it most recently. Elijah never took a job there, rather putting her hopes onto a woman with a charismatic, warm voice and a dream she shared -- the Seed of Light project, which would free the minds trapped by fear, despair, and hesitation. We had a facility in the Outskirts, away from the city and the Head, [ which might say enough, ] where we sought a certain...
[ ... how do you describe cogito oh my g ]
A certain substance? I guess you could call it... that's present in every living thing to an extent. I don't know the full of it since Elijah's clearance wasn't high, but it became the base of L Corp's Singularity later on -- and it's what killed Elijah after she injected it into herself without permission.
[ all of it said calmly, factually, memories and knowledge from a lifetime not hers anymore. roland had said she sounded like she was talking about someone else too. ]
Her happiness came much before then, in the Outskirts away from the oppressive City her and the others wanted to change. A group of dreamers that ended up living a nightmare.
[Let me open the pages of my book to you first, she says. She places herself in his hands. The poet is allowed to pore through this ancient tome in the form of a woman.]
[He barely blinks at her admitting her dishonesty. He also has been dishonest. And so, he listens, with respect and an open heart.]
["The Seed of Light project", huh...]
[...]
[The more she talks, the more this book feels heavy in his scarred hands. He holds it closer, brushing his cheek against the top of her head.]
Why did....you, Miss Elijah, do something like that?
[He has an inkling. They talked about this, in some aspect. But it pains him - so he wishes to hear it.]
[ miss elijah... her name here, her name in a lifetime past. she turns her head just a little, looking past vergilius to the picture; away again, to her hands. ]
Because I wanted to prove that I was worth something. I didn't have the same clearance everyone else did -- I was tasked to record the effects of Cogito, as it was called, on the living things we injected it into, day in and day out, when... when all I wanted was to see my name on that list, to be helpful despite all my impatience and mistakes and slip ups and--
[ her throat catches and she inhales sharply, slowly exhaling. calm, calm. another life, but she's digging her fingers into a reopened wound. ]
I thought... that maybe if I did something rash, and it worked out... That he would praise me, or acknowledge my efforts at least, instead of being shut down. That maybe I could be someone's light too.
[ and maybe she had been. maybe her flickering flame had caught someone's eye and she never knew, because she was always looking at another just ahead. just as that other was doing the same.
her hands are tight. ]
Cogito was far from suitable for human use at that time and I knew that, but I still did it. And I can honestly say that nothing will ever top the pain, the hopelessness I felt then. [ then, lighter, almost joking: ] I'm pretty convinced I could get one of those upgrades and walk it off with a smile.
[A desperate, twisted impulse to be noticed. To mean something. To be loved. To be held in other people's gazes. To be considered, even if it was through a horrific end.]
[He feels a tremble in his hands - noticing the way her hands tighten, he reaches towards them with his own, splaying scarred fingers over them to gently clasp over them. His other hand pulls her in closer, closer, bangs brushing against her own hair to try to get her to look back at him.]
It may be another life, but...it was yours, at one point. There's nothing that erases that.
[His voice is quiet. He wanted Roland, the children, the ones he loved to live n a world where they could be happy. To understand and hear such unhappiness...how cruel that is.]
Even if the you of the past did something so...horrible to yourself. To do that as if to scream from the depths of your soul, like you were at the bottom of a pit...it was you. And I'm...sorry that the you of then suffered like that.
[Another sigh - he presses his forehead against hers.]
At least know...in this life, I'll hold you in this gaze of mine. I won't look away.
[Like he's done for those who are now long gone. That is his duty, now.]</small
but it feels like it rots her anyway, gazing back at him so close, foreheads together and hair entwined. malkuth smiles, shakes her head, and bumps her her under his chin again. ]
That's just what survives of my first volume, you know. The very end of it. There's spots in the beginning, bits of the middle I'm still deciphering, but the ending is clear as can be -- and if you thought that was terrible, you're not gonna like my second. Because that's the one where I've lied.
[ at least by omission. she breathes out slowly. ]
So. When I woke up again, I wasn't just given a new name -- I was given a new form entirely, because my body had been transplanted into a robot's. I didn't have a single memory of my first life until much, much, much later, after years that felt more like a few months, and... I was simply an AI to help the new Manager adjust and get used to his new job directing over the rest of us.
At that time, I was known as Malkuth, the Sephirah of L Corp's main branch Control Team. [ a beat, hands squeezing in his again. ] When I said that others who claim to be part of L Corp have nothing to do with the Library, I was only technically being truthful. They will have something to do with the Library, but they don't have anything to do with it yet.
I don't know if you've met them, but Yesod and Netzach are my dear coworkers and... and friends, though they don't realize that right now. I'm telling you this because I trust that you won't harm them or feel any kind of animosity towards them, okay? They've been my best kept secret since I met Ishmael.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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i don't think other people could even if they tried
[But no, really. She has the force to do so.]
is that so. what a privilege. but to be so cruel as to not have any pictures after you say such a thing
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he's gonna be sitting on read for a few minutes. just until she gets it looking nice enough, a shot down her front as she lays in bed, her nails painted red on the swell of her barely covered breast; her leg is propped in such a way as to let the pretty white sundress she'd chosen to let the color Pop drag down her thigh, a thin, frilly fabric that lays against the rest of her.
malkuth may never be a pin up model but she can guess what might be attractive. to him, at least.
... far off, barely visible on her desk, is a framed photograph whose inhabitants are obscured by light. ]
I don't keep a stock of them, you know.
1/?
okay help he. didn't actually anticipate this. perhaps he expected more of something like she sent before during his drunken stupor. this is]
[going to certain places he's never been.]
[there is going to be a Very Noticeable Pause here]
2/?
[There's a definite flip of his stomach. It's both good and bad. This IS going to places he's never been. But he's unsure of it - as if he's uncertain if its really meant for him. As if he's a little nervous about what it could mean, that she sends him pictures like this after what they shared together.]
[Because he likes it, of course he does, he likes it very much, and it makes that flip of his stomach feel all the more heated, but she could be there dressed in baggy clothes and he could feel the same way, he thinks.]
[Is this....too much?]
3/?
[damn though she really IS so beautiful like. fucking hell]
4/4 we bring you more of verg's dumbass internal conflict on channel news 9
as i'm glad you don't. didn't you say you only send them to me? look at you
[ah. hm. he. feels very awkward suddenly because what do you Say WHAT DO YOU SAY]
[DOES HE EVEN DESERVE TO HAVE THIS??? FUCK]
[deep breaths here whoooooo]
the color as always is
very. very nice
[??!!??????????????? WHAT IS HE SAYING okay maybe he can salvage this]
a masterpiece
[...okay. Okay. maybe that's how you do it. anyways.]
say. is that a new photo by march i see there
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You're better at flirting when you're drunk. (*´艸`*)
Nope! It's a picture Citrine, my hummingbird, had in her claws when I got her. Of my first life, with some of the group I worked with then.
[ it's a brief walk anyway, though her hand pauses at the frame as she considers it.
... it's fine. it doesn't show any relevant faces like this, and so malkuth sends a shot of it against her desk. ]
There's me! Right in the corner! Beside Elijah is Michelle -- she was the youngest of the researchers brought on, but that makes her the brightest too in my opinion -- and behind us is Kali. The three in the middle are Ayin, Carmen, and Benjamin... they were the lead researchers of the group, and directed us as we sought to find a cure for the City's despair.
There were more of us, but this shot doesn't include them. I'd like to get a matching with the rest... but I wonder if such a memory exists.
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[Its because for him, its about the weight of the emotion, he thinks. Its about her smile above all. Its about holding her hand against his face, and the overwhelming comfort that brings.]
[But of course she's showing the photo. A glimpse of lifetimes ago.]
huh. i wonder how they procured this. from your memories?
you all look ready for a bright future.
but as it seems. and what you have told me. it did not come, did it
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Not for us, no. I don't know what happened after I died... I never thought to ask anyone. But every face in this picture is gone, or different.
[ did he find the redemption he sought? was she able to rest after so long? her thumb brushes over the man on the left as she sits back on the bed with it. ]
Carmen died first. After that, we worked harder than ever to see her vision come true... Most of my memories are from that time. I remember running around so much I barely registered the faces I passed, though I was scolded endlessly by Gabriel. He isn't in this picture.
[ he is, but he's not visible. she takes the photo out of the frame and unfolds it carefully, a sight for her and her alone. it'd be nice... to show the whole of it sometime, but... ]
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[He thinks of Garnet.]
[He thinks of Charon.]
the sands of time are the hardest to swallow.
gabriel...your friend? what a tumultuous time that must have been. the death of a loved one. the fall. the attempt to build anew
can i ask> how did she die?
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... whatever friendship there might have been in that group must have soured, spoiled, rotted away; they were held together by one person alone, and once she was gone... were they all friends? she recalled enjoying their company at least, dropping by to visit giovanni and walking with michelle through the halls, pestering gabriel with questions he'd rarely answer and happy when he did.
were they friends?
malkuth leaves him on read for a bit, lost in her thoughts, before she shakes her head. ]
Carmen? Well... she wasn't really the one who died first-first, but in the research group she gathered for the work she was -- we had two young ones with us, Lisa and Enoch, who we took in from the Outskirts. Enoch ended up passing due to an experiment he'd volunteered for, [ even now, even now there's things she doesn't reveal, after it's all said and done, ] and Carmen was so wracked with guilt over it that she ended her life. Lisa's anger didn't help, I'm sure.
[ not that elijah had blamed her for being so angry. they'd been sweet kids. kept more to themselves than anything, but it was nice to see them together too. losing a loved one hurts. that's why she couldn't blame ayin, either.
even if she wasn't barred from certain knowledge, there's so much beyond red tape she still can't talk about. the photographs edges strain and she sets it on her lap, smoothing it out again. don't tear it. of all things, not this. ]
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[A young one, allowing himself to be used for an experiment.]
[It brings up memories like bile. That man, indulging in dots. The corridors, winding. The children in tubes, then transformed, then monstrous.]
[It makes him hate the City all the more. This is why it deserves to be upturned, overturned, razed.]
[It also takes him a good moment to reply. As much as he wants to bite at his own open wound, he realizes how much of one it is for her, to share something like this.]
miss malkuth
do you want me to come over
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it's a private hurt. a wound she picks at sometimes, leaves others. one that should have been scarred long, long ago, healed ugly but healed nonetheless -- she thought it was, but maybe interacting with netzach and yesod here, maybe being more reminded of the things she can't do or speak about, has carefully, quietly, cut that hardened tissue open again, letting the scar breathe. malkuth carefully folds gabriel away again, a quiet apology in her heart, and returns it to the frame.
maybe one day. maybe.
does she? but he's offering, so he wants to come over too. at the very least she's changing from the sundress picked out from the style upgrade back to the layabout clothes she'd had before, everlight's gold an eyesore for her mood. malkuth understands gabriel's need to be covered, to have every inch of skin removed from sight. it's easier to hide the nonexistent scars from others. ]
I'd like that.
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[He will make a detour outside before he wanders over to her - nothing as major as getting a birthday gift yet, since he needs to think about it some more. But still, it feels he needs to bring something along.]
[After some time, he's knocking at her door. When opened, he's offering what he has in his hands with a light nod:]
[A cookie tin.]
.....I'm...assuming you like sweets. Since you like sweet drinks and all.
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malkuth's face does light up though as she takes it, smile wide not just at the gift but at the contents within as she pries to open... ooh. cookies galore. she's gonna plop back on the edge of her bed, the picture returned to her desk where it hadn't been last he'd come to visit. ]
I do! I guess it's because I run around a lot, so I use up a lot of energy, but sweet things really hit the spot for me. Thanks, Vergilius.
[ let her crack into it... mm. cookie. she isn't gesturing for him to sit today, he should know he's welcome on her bed anytime. ]
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[She's not in her sundress now, he notices. Not that he misses it - once again, she can wear anything she wants. It's all about her.]
[He comes in, pausing briefly before moving to her side to sit down on the bed. He's wearing his leather jacket today - and yes, there is the crown pin placed, almost inconspicuous, at one of his jacket pockets.]
I...wanted to cheer you up. If only a bit.
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Well, you're doing a good job of it so far. I could use an arm around me though.
[ direct is best. let her sink into you, old man. ]
It thought it'd get easier to talk about as time went on, but it's still painful. [ it had been with roland, too. calm as she could manage, calm as her voice is now. like it isn't her, but is. ] I don't know if I miss those days though, funny enough. Even if they must've been some of the happiest Elijah had.
[ before, well. it fell apart. ]
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Tragedies like that, so buried deep, always sting like thorns. So even the happiness....feels tainted, in its own way.
[But then again, he thinks he misses those days, with the orphanage. When everything was so, so simple.]
Was she happy because she worked for L Corp?
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How well would you say you know me, Vergilius?
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In a philosophical way, maybe it's impossible to get to know one another, to the depths of our souls.
[but,]
In a more factual sense...we're still learning much on each other. There's many things you don't know about me, after all.
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[ for better and worse. malkuth stares straight ahead, hands clasped. ]
I haven't been fully honest with you.
L Corp wasn't a thing until my second life as Malkuth -- at least, not as I know it, and not as you remember it most recently. Elijah never took a job there, rather putting her hopes onto a woman with a charismatic, warm voice and a dream she shared -- the Seed of Light project, which would free the minds trapped by fear, despair, and hesitation. We had a facility in the Outskirts, away from the city and the Head, [ which might say enough, ] where we sought a certain...
[ ... how do you describe cogito oh my g ]
A certain substance? I guess you could call it... that's present in every living thing to an extent. I don't know the full of it since Elijah's clearance wasn't high, but it became the base of L Corp's Singularity later on -- and it's what killed Elijah after she injected it into herself without permission.
[ all of it said calmly, factually, memories and knowledge from a lifetime not hers anymore. roland had said she sounded like she was talking about someone else too. ]
Her happiness came much before then, in the Outskirts away from the oppressive City her and the others wanted to change. A group of dreamers that ended up living a nightmare.
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[He barely blinks at her admitting her dishonesty. He also has been dishonest. And so, he listens, with respect and an open heart.]
["The Seed of Light project", huh...]
[...]
[The more she talks, the more this book feels heavy in his scarred hands. He holds it closer, brushing his cheek against the top of her head.]
Why did....you, Miss Elijah, do something like that?
[He has an inkling. They talked about this, in some aspect. But it pains him - so he wishes to hear it.]
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Because I wanted to prove that I was worth something. I didn't have the same clearance everyone else did -- I was tasked to record the effects of Cogito, as it was called, on the living things we injected it into, day in and day out, when... when all I wanted was to see my name on that list, to be helpful despite all my impatience and mistakes and slip ups and--
[ her throat catches and she inhales sharply, slowly exhaling. calm, calm. another life, but she's digging her fingers into a reopened wound. ]
I thought... that maybe if I did something rash, and it worked out... That he would praise me, or acknowledge my efforts at least, instead of being shut down. That maybe I could be someone's light too.
[ and maybe she had been. maybe her flickering flame had caught someone's eye and she never knew, because she was always looking at another just ahead. just as that other was doing the same.
her hands are tight. ]
Cogito was far from suitable for human use at that time and I knew that, but I still did it. And I can honestly say that nothing will ever top the pain, the hopelessness I felt then. [ then, lighter, almost joking: ] I'm pretty convinced I could get one of those upgrades and walk it off with a smile.
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[He feels a tremble in his hands - noticing the way her hands tighten, he reaches towards them with his own, splaying scarred fingers over them to gently clasp over them. His other hand pulls her in closer, closer, bangs brushing against her own hair to try to get her to look back at him.]
It may be another life, but...it was yours, at one point. There's nothing that erases that.
[His voice is quiet. He wanted Roland, the children, the ones he loved to live n a world where they could be happy. To understand and hear such unhappiness...how cruel that is.]
Even if the you of the past did something so...horrible to yourself. To do that as if to scream from the depths of your soul, like you were at the bottom of a pit...it was you. And I'm...sorry that the you of then suffered like that.
[Another sigh - he presses his forehead against hers.]
At least know...in this life, I'll hold you in this gaze of mine. I won't look away.
[Like he's done for those who are now long gone. That is his duty, now.]</small
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but it feels like it rots her anyway, gazing back at him so close, foreheads together and hair entwined. malkuth smiles, shakes her head, and bumps her her under his chin again. ]
That's just what survives of my first volume, you know. The very end of it. There's spots in the beginning, bits of the middle I'm still deciphering, but the ending is clear as can be -- and if you thought that was terrible, you're not gonna like my second. Because that's the one where I've lied.
[ at least by omission. she breathes out slowly. ]
So. When I woke up again, I wasn't just given a new name -- I was given a new form entirely, because my body had been transplanted into a robot's. I didn't have a single memory of my first life until much, much, much later, after years that felt more like a few months, and... I was simply an AI to help the new Manager adjust and get used to his new job directing over the rest of us.
At that time, I was known as Malkuth, the Sephirah of L Corp's main branch Control Team. [ a beat, hands squeezing in his again. ] When I said that others who claim to be part of L Corp have nothing to do with the Library, I was only technically being truthful. They will have something to do with the Library, but they don't have anything to do with it yet.
I don't know if you've met them, but Yesod and Netzach are my dear coworkers and... and friends, though they don't realize that right now. I'm telling you this because I trust that you won't harm them or feel any kind of animosity towards them, okay? They've been my best kept secret since I met Ishmael.
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